Early Saturday

This morning's thoughts and ramblings aren't toward the baby, but rather a confession of sorts from me as me and not Mommy.

I started cramping yesterday. At first it wasn't too bad but by the end of the day, I felt like I would be getting my period at any moment. I constantly went to the bathroom to wipe - whether or not I had to pee. Fortunately there was never any evidence of any blood. It had me concerned most of the day because I kept hearing Ray of Sunshine (RoS) from the other day saying "If you experience any cramping or bleeding go to the emergency room right away" over and over again. And anytime I heard her voice I pushed it away with my own mantra: Grow baby, grow!

I have to believe the cramping yesterday (and again today so far) is just that - the baby growing. The uterus has to make room for baby's growth and that's what is happening. It makes perfect sense and I know that's the case...

This morning, the cramping isn't as bad as yesterday... it was actually never really "bad" yesterday, just very period-like - something I haven't experienced since I got my BFP. I've taken a shower already and have been up for about an hour and I'm feel a bit scared. I feel completely opposite of what I've been feeling for over a month now. Every day - regardless of the nastiness portrayed at the doctor's office - I had spent in a positive way. But today is so different. Today I feel like I could snap at any moment... and that frightens me.

Am I subconsciously preparing myself for the worst this morning? Am I just having a bad morning? Am I just being "hormonal"?

I don't have the answers quite yet... but the closer it gets to 11:30, the closer I get to vomiting - and not because I'm experiencing morning sickness. Because 11:30 brings both my wonderful husband and I back into the doctor's office and back to visit Ms. RoS who will reveal the levels of hCG from Thursday. Tuesdays levels were at 2500+, therefore Thursdays levels should be above 5000. I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sure, I'M SURE they are. But I'm quite anxious again.

At least this time I'll have my baby (husband) by my side, which will help me greatly. I'm doing my best to anticipate great news, but I'm also anticipating (unfortunately) myself snapping at RoS.
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Now that I've gotten this out of me, I'm feeling better. I feel like I can do this and that everything will be fine. I know you're counting on me, little one. And I promise not to let you down. I promise.