New Blog

cleansingmyheart.blogspot.com ... no need to click Read More cuz there's nothing more to read here - for now, at least. Read more!

Good night

Apparently, it's time for me to say good-bye to you, my sweet little angel. Apparently our time together wasn't meant to be but for a little while. Still, I want you to know, that I loved you from the moment I found out you were in there...
You were created by your daddy and me because we wanted you. Desperately. But it just wasn't meant to be this time around.

We were both very confident going into tonight's appointment; we just knew that everything was going to be OK. We both had smiles on our faces and talked of nothing but positive things.

But I should've thought differently when I noticed that the ultrasound room was open. Instead I looked at your daddy and told him how awesome it would be if we did indeed get a third ultrasound in less than a week and if this time we saw the heart beat. I looked at him and he had a huge smile on his face.

"Wouldn't it be awesome?" I asked again.

Still smiling he said, "We'll high five one another."

A minute later the receptionist asked me to pee in a cup and a minute after that we were being told that the results from Saturday's blood test didn't look good - there was no increase in hCG. The doctor, himself, wanted to do an ultra sound.

We should've known for sure at that moment what was happening, but daddy and I kept our chins up high and believed everything would be OK.

But it wasn't, my sweet angel. You stopped growing. In fact, somehow, you weren't as big as you were on Saturday and there was absolutely no sign of "life."

I managed to ask if there was no chance whatsoever for something to turn back around and the doctor said that in his experience, with all the pregnancies and losses he's seen, he was 100% certain I was suffering through a missed abortion.

Basically, my sweet angel, you stopped growing for one reason or another, but you didn't want me to know right away. And as sick as this sounds, I'm glad I got to be your mommy for as long as I did. It was my absolute honor.

The next couple of days will be rough for me...for us, but we'll pull through this. It's going to be OK.

Besides, Daddy promises that we'll still get our high five one day, and I intend to hold him to that promise.

I changed my mind... I'm not going to say good-bye, but rather good night.

XOXO Read more!

Morning of appointment 4

Hey little one, you there?

I'm so tired again this morning. I actually found myself closing my eyes for an extra second or two during my drive in - and that's not acceptable! I took a nap yesterday for lunch and went to bed at 10 and was out like a light, so it's not like I'm not getting enough sleep...

Sure I get up every hour or couple of hours to pee, but I fall right back to sleep when I get back in the bed.

Please understand that these are NOT complaints. In fact, last night, I got a little crampy and walked into the office where you daddy sat in front of his computer and exclaimed with 100% glee, "I've got cramps!"

He looked at me like I was a little nuts so I continued, "And there's no blood!"

I was genuinely so happy to have cramps and no blood. And I'm genuinely happy to be so exhausted.

Why?

Because it means you and my uterus are growing growing growing!

XOXOXOXOX Read more!

Smile on my face, hand on my belly

Good morning my little one. :) I know you must be growing away in there because I found myself in bed at 9 last night and not wanting to wake up this morning. I'm SO exhausted! It's got to be because you're growing like crazy! And I'm starving again, today...

Keep on keeping on, little one. I'll just take more naps or longer naps and eat more if that's what you need from me. Do what you need to do and I'll cover the rest - and I'll do it all with a smile on my face and a hand on my belly.

Tomorrow evening, your daddy and I have to go back to the doctor's office but I don't think we'll be able to see you again. I'm pretty sure it's just a follow up regarding the 3rd set of blood tests I took on Saturday.

I'm sure it will be a great appointment.

XOXOXO Read more!

A new start

Well, it was a little over four weeks ago when we started this journey, my little one. And while I was cautious, I was so very optimistic until my first doctor's appointment on Tuesday. But that's all going to change. What happened this past week - all the tears and heartache - is going to end. Your mommy is going back to the excited and positive mommy she was when this journey began!

You've proven the doctors wrong so far and for that I'm incredibly proud. I knew you were in there growing and growing. So what if it wasn't at the "normal" rate that most pregnancy's progress? I've always prided myself in not being normal so of course my pregnancy and my baby would be no different! :) ...

I'm a little sad that I didn't get to see you at yesterday's appointment, but seeing your daddy's face and hearing him describe you was good enough for this time around. And next time, I'll be sure to ask for another pillow or something because there's no way I'm missing seeing your little heart beat pulsating away! No way! And I have no doubts - NONE - that this will be the case!

I have a succinct feeling that pregnancies didn't always go down like this way back in the day. I doubt your grandmother had all the tests I've been having. I would venture to guess that when she became pregnant with me and your aunt and uncle, she was just pregnant and that was that. I mean, sure there was worry, but I really think what happened this past week was a ridiculous amount of added stress and worry that very well could've been avoided.

Don't get me wrong; I'm absolutely grateful to do whatever I have to do to ensure you grow and grow in the healthiest way possible, but really, this past week was so draining and hard and I'm just so proud of you for sticking it out with me and proving them all wrong. And yes, you're even worth the $90 I forked over yesterday for the prescription that should boost the progesterone. And yes, maybe without it things wouldn't progress the way I know they will... but still! It was quite a week.

But that was then and this is now...and tomorrow is the start of a new week with you. And what a beautiful week it will be!

XOXOXO Read more!