A new start

Well, it was a little over four weeks ago when we started this journey, my little one. And while I was cautious, I was so very optimistic until my first doctor's appointment on Tuesday. But that's all going to change. What happened this past week - all the tears and heartache - is going to end. Your mommy is going back to the excited and positive mommy she was when this journey began!

You've proven the doctors wrong so far and for that I'm incredibly proud. I knew you were in there growing and growing. So what if it wasn't at the "normal" rate that most pregnancy's progress? I've always prided myself in not being normal so of course my pregnancy and my baby would be no different! :) ...

I'm a little sad that I didn't get to see you at yesterday's appointment, but seeing your daddy's face and hearing him describe you was good enough for this time around. And next time, I'll be sure to ask for another pillow or something because there's no way I'm missing seeing your little heart beat pulsating away! No way! And I have no doubts - NONE - that this will be the case!

I have a succinct feeling that pregnancies didn't always go down like this way back in the day. I doubt your grandmother had all the tests I've been having. I would venture to guess that when she became pregnant with me and your aunt and uncle, she was just pregnant and that was that. I mean, sure there was worry, but I really think what happened this past week was a ridiculous amount of added stress and worry that very well could've been avoided.

Don't get me wrong; I'm absolutely grateful to do whatever I have to do to ensure you grow and grow in the healthiest way possible, but really, this past week was so draining and hard and I'm just so proud of you for sticking it out with me and proving them all wrong. And yes, you're even worth the $90 I forked over yesterday for the prescription that should boost the progesterone. And yes, maybe without it things wouldn't progress the way I know they will... but still! It was quite a week.

But that was then and this is now...and tomorrow is the start of a new week with you. And what a beautiful week it will be!

XOXOXO Read more!

Appointment three

We arrived to the appointment at 11:30am, just on time, and after opening the glass doors, we immediately were hit by the warmth of a lot of bodies and the chatter of a lot of different voices, young and old. When we turned the corner to get to the waiting area and receptionist area, we were greeted by a waiting room completely full with couples and kids filling in nearly every chair.

I signed in and we found two seats near each other but not next to one another. We sat and waited and waited.

Across from us sat two groups of people: to the left sat two boys, around 12, and to the right sat a husband and wife and another boy, around 7. The two 12 year olds played with their hand held game while the younger boy studied a magazine as his parents filled out paper after paper.

I sat there and took in deep breaths to hopefully control my blood pressure and because there really wasn't anything else to do...

About 20 minutes into the wait, the two 12 year olds got up and I assumed went to the bathroom and that's when things went downhill for me, embarrassingly enough. Because as the two boys left, another couple and their adorable baby boy - probably around 6 months - came out from the doctor's offices and sat where the two 12 year olds once sat. The baby smiled and his chubby arms and legs thrust about. He seemed to like Stephen a lot and when I caught wind of the the smiles from the baby to my husband, I turned to look at Stephen and I could see him making faces at the baby.

That's when the tears hit my eyes and heart. I pushed them away and focused on my breathing. But the giggles caught my attention so I had to look at the baby again... and that's when I noticed the mom was holding ultrasound printouts and absolutely gleaming. She looked at the small pictures and pointed and smiled. I, in turn, sickeningly enough, had to get up to prevent myself from completely bawling so quickly went to the bathroom.

I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself to stop and relax. It wasn't fair to be distraught over someone else's happiness and joy. So what if she already had a beautiful baby, why couldn't she be blessed to have another?

I calmed down and returned and just didn't look at them anymore, sadly enough.

Soon, my name was called and we followed the nurse to the scale and took my glorious weight. She took it about three times and the final weight she decided to go with was 12 pounds heavier than my weight from Thursdays appointment so I got a good chuckle out of that.

She brought us into a small room and took my blood pressure. "Are you nervous?" she asked. "Yes," I answered. "Is it really high?" The bottom number was a little high but nothing awful. She left us waiting on Ray of Sunshine (RoS) from Thursday's appointment.

RoS came into the room and asked how I was and introduced herself to Stephen. She opened the charts and gave us the results from Thursday's blood test, which, of course, resulted in more tears from my eyes.

The progesterone had lowered from 11.3 to 8 so they would be putting me on a drug to produce more progesterone. Apparently the progesterone helps line the uterus or something so it's definitely necessary that those levels rise again. As for the hCG, it rose from 2500+ to only 3500+. She flat out told us that that was not a good sign, that the hCG needs to double every couple of days, but that we shouldn't lose hope.

That's right RoS was much more compassionate today than Thursday. I don't know if it was because my husband was there or what, but she actually tried keeping us positive.

"Plenty of women have these kinds of numbers and still go on to have a very healthy pregnancy," she said.

She then told us that she needed to locate the ultrasound paperwork from our first appointment on Tuesday to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. She needed to make sure there was something actually inside of the uterus because of the low progesterone and hCG - because if there wasn't anything forming in the uterus, it most likely would mean an ectopic pregnancy.

She left us for a minute to try to locate the paperwork and Stephen and I were left to chat for a minute. He, of course, was wonderful and optimistic and was making the tears stop. After all, we both knew there was something definitely inside the uterus from Tuesday's ultrasound so we were very confident that the ectopic would be ruled out.

RoS came back and told me that they'd have to give me another ultrasound because they couldn't locate any paperwork and they needed to really be sure there was something in the uterus. But because they were so friggin busy, we had to wait in the waiting area again.

So wait we did. Only this time it was quite obvious I was crying as shreds of paper filled my fists and my eyes were all red. I couldn't hide it and really, why should I have to? Before we were called back in for the ultrasound, I watched two more women looking at their ultrasounds and looking all happy and of course, the tears fell some more from my tired eyes.

When we finally were brought into the ultrasound room and left to undress from the waist down, I cried. Stephen stood there and looked at me and asked if he could hug me. So hugged we did, me with my shirt on and nothing else but socks and him fully dressed. We hugged and I completely and utterly lost it - to the point where it was hard to breathe. He just held onto me and told me it was going to be fine.

I pulled away to wipe my face and hop on the table as I knew the tech would be in in a second and sure enough there she was knocking on the door. I took the position and the wand was inserted. I cried and cried and cried.

Since it was a different tech, she asked about the prior appointment and we told her that the last tech called what she saw a "blob."

"Well," she said. "There's definitely something there."

I cried. I tried doing a part sit-up to see the screen past my huge boobs, but between my huge boobs and the tears, I just couldn't do it so I turned and looked at Stephen's face instead. And he looked... relieved.

"It's measuring about 6 weeks," she said. "But I can't detect any heart movement."

I cried. I was relieved to hear that it was measuring at 6 weeks because the last one said it was measuring at about 5 weeks so that meant growth.

"You should definitely see the heart beat?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied.

She pulled out the wand and told me that the PA would go over everything with me and to go sit back in the waiting area after we were dressed.

She left and Stephen, once again, was very optimistic telling me that there was definitely something there.

I cried and tried to wipe my face and get dressed at the same time.

We went back in the waiting area, which had emptied out dramatically.

"So you got to see the baby?" I asked Stephen.

"Didn't you see it?" he asked.

"No, I couldn't see it past my boobs!"

He chuckled. "There was definitely something there and it looked different than last time... sort of like a backwards question mark."

"Really?" I asked. "That means it's growing and forming into a fetus!"

"There definitely was something more there this time," he said. "Maybe we should think of today as Tuesday."

"Huh?"

"Don't think about this past week and pretend like today was the first appointment," he reasoned. "Every thing's going to be fine, see?"

"You're right."

We didn't wait too long before we were called back in to talk with RoS who confirmed there was still something there. Stephen asked if she would be more forthcoming if it was bad and she said that she was telling us everything she knew - that there was now less than 1% chance that I would have an ectopic pregnancy because something was there, that there wasn't any heart movement which is a bit of a concern, that my hormone levels weren't as high as should be, but that there have been other women who went on to have a healthy pregnancy.

They would take my blood again and keep an eye on me, and, of course, if I experience any pain or bleeding to go the emergency room immediately.

We followed her to the lab but another patient was there so, once again, we waited in the waiting room which was empty but for one man.

The wait was longer this time and finally a woman came out from the office and walked toward the lonely man sitting across the room from us. I noticed she wasn't gleaming like the others we had seen and I also noticed that instead of ultrasound images in her hand, she held a prescription - like the prescription that sat in my purse.

Finally my name was called again and more blood was taken. We then made an appointment for Tuesday evening and walked out. It was 1:30pm.

I was more than ready to collapse in bed at this point but we ran over to the mall. I had to return something and we decided to eat at my favorite burger joint, Red Robin. On our way to Red Robin, we walked through Nordstroms. I asked the lady at the Kiehl's counter if they had anything that could cover rosacea. She told me they had a tinted moisturizer and let me try it and it covered the red. I was happy. She asked if I was taking medicine for the rosacea and I told her that I couldn't right now. Stephen then chimed in, "We're expecting." The woman was happy - and so was I. He went on and on about how the drug that I would normally take for the rosacea cannot be taken during pregnancy because it could harm the baby. The woman asked how I was feeling and I told her that I was doing well, that my only real complaint was the rosacea.

We left and walked toward Red Robin walking hand in hand. I smiled... I'm expecting. Read more!

Early Saturday

This morning's thoughts and ramblings aren't toward the baby, but rather a confession of sorts from me as me and not Mommy.

I started cramping yesterday. At first it wasn't too bad but by the end of the day, I felt like I would be getting my period at any moment. I constantly went to the bathroom to wipe - whether or not I had to pee. Fortunately there was never any evidence of any blood. It had me concerned most of the day because I kept hearing Ray of Sunshine (RoS) from the other day saying "If you experience any cramping or bleeding go to the emergency room right away" over and over again. And anytime I heard her voice I pushed it away with my own mantra: Grow baby, grow!

I have to believe the cramping yesterday (and again today so far) is just that - the baby growing. The uterus has to make room for baby's growth and that's what is happening. It makes perfect sense and I know that's the case...

This morning, the cramping isn't as bad as yesterday... it was actually never really "bad" yesterday, just very period-like - something I haven't experienced since I got my BFP. I've taken a shower already and have been up for about an hour and I'm feel a bit scared. I feel completely opposite of what I've been feeling for over a month now. Every day - regardless of the nastiness portrayed at the doctor's office - I had spent in a positive way. But today is so different. Today I feel like I could snap at any moment... and that frightens me.

Am I subconsciously preparing myself for the worst this morning? Am I just having a bad morning? Am I just being "hormonal"?

I don't have the answers quite yet... but the closer it gets to 11:30, the closer I get to vomiting - and not because I'm experiencing morning sickness. Because 11:30 brings both my wonderful husband and I back into the doctor's office and back to visit Ms. RoS who will reveal the levels of hCG from Thursday. Tuesdays levels were at 2500+, therefore Thursdays levels should be above 5000. I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sure, I'M SURE they are. But I'm quite anxious again.

At least this time I'll have my baby (husband) by my side, which will help me greatly. I'm doing my best to anticipate great news, but I'm also anticipating (unfortunately) myself snapping at RoS.
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Now that I've gotten this out of me, I'm feeling better. I feel like I can do this and that everything will be fine. I know you're counting on me, little one. And I promise not to let you down. I promise. Read more!

1st blood results

Yesterday's appointment was just as exciting as Tuesday's but with a lot less drama, thankfully. Mostly because it was a 'wam bam thank you ma'am' type of appointment.

One thing that I'm sure of, little one, is that once all this blood work comes back proving that you're in there growing and growing, I will look for a different practice/doctor to continue on this journey with. The bedside manner the doctor and the PA have exhibited just isn't acceptable to me. I understand they don't want to give this first time mommy-to-be false hope, but to coldly respond to my question of "Things are OK as of right now though, right?" with a nasty - and I do mean nasty - "Ma'am it's just too soon to tell you anything!" spat is just cruel and, of course, made me start crying because I immediately thought that you weren't growing and they didn't want to tell me that.

It's been 8 weeks since my last period and we had sex one single time since then - June 17 - so how can it be too soon to tell me if this baby is growing or not? I may not know when my exact ovulation date was, but really, how long can his sperm survive? You people are the doctors, you tell me!

Anyway the results as this tired brain recalls from Tuesday's blood test: Progesterone is at 11.3 and should be over 11 so that's good. HCG is 2500+ but she (the PA) couldn't tell me if that was good until the results come back from the blood she took from me yesterday (because they should at least double each time) - which was a lot. Two tubes full instead of one like Tuesday. She also told me my thyroid results came back high so they'll have to keep an eye on that. When I asked what that meant as far as the baby was concerned, she snapped "It has to do with your metabolism."

Well duh! I'm not 10, I do understand thyroid equals metabolism but what does it have to do with my baby?! I wanted to scream but couldn't get it out past the tears.

She asked if there were any other questions and of course I have a gazillion but didn't feel like being belittled anymore so asked nothing. So before she took me to the lab she spat out this gem: "Well if you experience any cramping or bleeding, go to the emergency room immediately." A ray of sunshine, that one. I didn't ask you about that and again, I'm not 10, I thought.

Ray of sunshine then took me over to the lab to get more blood drawn and then I made an appointment for the results of yesterday's blood and another blood test for Saturday. This way, your daddy gets to come with me. If the results from yesterday's blood doesn't double, I will definitely need his support right then and there and *when* I hear that the numbers *do* double, I'll want him there to be giddy and goofy with... because we're going to be parents!!

Anyway, when I got back to work, I checked a website that had "guidelines" of what the HCG should be 8 weeks from my last period and they should be between 7,650 - 229,000. So that kind of had me concerned.. my numbers are those of someone whose last period was 5 weeks ago, not 8.

But, the fact of the matter is that everyone is different and, more importantly, I'm still pregnant and you're still in there and I just know everything will be fine. It has to be. Keep on doing what you need to do in there, little one. This is all worth it. I don't care if I have to go back to the mean doctors every single day - if it means that you stick it out and keep on keeping on, it'll be so, so worth it. Read more!

Uphill

I go for my 2nd blood test this afternoon. And I’m OK with it. I’m actually a little excited, truth be told. I’ve really turned around the negative thoughts because the fact of the matter is that I’m so very blessed to have you inside of me and being able to be a mom is worth going through absolutely whatever I may have to go through.

I have some great friends, little one. A lot of people are pulling for you, too. People who don’t really know me personally or who haven’t known me for long have been so incredibly supportive and loving. It’s truly incredible… something I hope you get to experience an exuberant amount of in your time.

Anyway, everything happens for a reason, little one. Everything. This is something I’ve truly grasped over the past 10 years or so and something I have to remind myself of every day. Just like I was meant to wait this long for you, I was meant to have a not-so-wonderful first appointment with the doctor. But I’m quite confident from here in out, it will be uphill and much better for sure. It has to be. Read more!