Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Good night

Apparently, it's time for me to say good-bye to you, my sweet little angel. Apparently our time together wasn't meant to be but for a little while. Still, I want you to know, that I loved you from the moment I found out you were in there...
You were created by your daddy and me because we wanted you. Desperately. But it just wasn't meant to be this time around.

We were both very confident going into tonight's appointment; we just knew that everything was going to be OK. We both had smiles on our faces and talked of nothing but positive things.

But I should've thought differently when I noticed that the ultrasound room was open. Instead I looked at your daddy and told him how awesome it would be if we did indeed get a third ultrasound in less than a week and if this time we saw the heart beat. I looked at him and he had a huge smile on his face.

"Wouldn't it be awesome?" I asked again.

Still smiling he said, "We'll high five one another."

A minute later the receptionist asked me to pee in a cup and a minute after that we were being told that the results from Saturday's blood test didn't look good - there was no increase in hCG. The doctor, himself, wanted to do an ultra sound.

We should've known for sure at that moment what was happening, but daddy and I kept our chins up high and believed everything would be OK.

But it wasn't, my sweet angel. You stopped growing. In fact, somehow, you weren't as big as you were on Saturday and there was absolutely no sign of "life."

I managed to ask if there was no chance whatsoever for something to turn back around and the doctor said that in his experience, with all the pregnancies and losses he's seen, he was 100% certain I was suffering through a missed abortion.

Basically, my sweet angel, you stopped growing for one reason or another, but you didn't want me to know right away. And as sick as this sounds, I'm glad I got to be your mommy for as long as I did. It was my absolute honor.

The next couple of days will be rough for me...for us, but we'll pull through this. It's going to be OK.

Besides, Daddy promises that we'll still get our high five one day, and I intend to hold him to that promise.

I changed my mind... I'm not going to say good-bye, but rather good night.



Amy said...

you're in my prayers...I'm so sorry.

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Elfie33 said...

I'm so sorry sweetie..*hugs tight*

AllieQB said...

I'm so sorry, Christina. Know that your little one was here, that he or she mattered and will be remembered. Hearing and reading your absolute joy at discovering your pregnancy warmed my heart. I will be thinking of you. You're now a superaunt and a supermom. Love and Hugs.

Angie said...

I'm so sorry, Christina. You are in my prayers. You want to be a mommy more than anyone else I know, and you'll get to be a mommy soon. Your little one was very blessed to be with you for as long as she was. ::hugs::

Espresso Mom said...

I'm so, so sorry Christina. I've been thinking about you all day today, and hope that you are well and taking care of yourself.

Danielle said...

I just can't stop thinking about you Christina. I just KNOW that you will be a supermom someday very soon. You are being so strong through this and that is a trait that all good moms have! Big Big Big HUGS!

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