Appointment three

We arrived to the appointment at 11:30am, just on time, and after opening the glass doors, we immediately were hit by the warmth of a lot of bodies and the chatter of a lot of different voices, young and old. When we turned the corner to get to the waiting area and receptionist area, we were greeted by a waiting room completely full with couples and kids filling in nearly every chair.

I signed in and we found two seats near each other but not next to one another. We sat and waited and waited.

Across from us sat two groups of people: to the left sat two boys, around 12, and to the right sat a husband and wife and another boy, around 7. The two 12 year olds played with their hand held game while the younger boy studied a magazine as his parents filled out paper after paper.

I sat there and took in deep breaths to hopefully control my blood pressure and because there really wasn't anything else to do...

About 20 minutes into the wait, the two 12 year olds got up and I assumed went to the bathroom and that's when things went downhill for me, embarrassingly enough. Because as the two boys left, another couple and their adorable baby boy - probably around 6 months - came out from the doctor's offices and sat where the two 12 year olds once sat. The baby smiled and his chubby arms and legs thrust about. He seemed to like Stephen a lot and when I caught wind of the the smiles from the baby to my husband, I turned to look at Stephen and I could see him making faces at the baby.

That's when the tears hit my eyes and heart. I pushed them away and focused on my breathing. But the giggles caught my attention so I had to look at the baby again... and that's when I noticed the mom was holding ultrasound printouts and absolutely gleaming. She looked at the small pictures and pointed and smiled. I, in turn, sickeningly enough, had to get up to prevent myself from completely bawling so quickly went to the bathroom.

I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself to stop and relax. It wasn't fair to be distraught over someone else's happiness and joy. So what if she already had a beautiful baby, why couldn't she be blessed to have another?

I calmed down and returned and just didn't look at them anymore, sadly enough.

Soon, my name was called and we followed the nurse to the scale and took my glorious weight. She took it about three times and the final weight she decided to go with was 12 pounds heavier than my weight from Thursdays appointment so I got a good chuckle out of that.

She brought us into a small room and took my blood pressure. "Are you nervous?" she asked. "Yes," I answered. "Is it really high?" The bottom number was a little high but nothing awful. She left us waiting on Ray of Sunshine (RoS) from Thursday's appointment.

RoS came into the room and asked how I was and introduced herself to Stephen. She opened the charts and gave us the results from Thursday's blood test, which, of course, resulted in more tears from my eyes.

The progesterone had lowered from 11.3 to 8 so they would be putting me on a drug to produce more progesterone. Apparently the progesterone helps line the uterus or something so it's definitely necessary that those levels rise again. As for the hCG, it rose from 2500+ to only 3500+. She flat out told us that that was not a good sign, that the hCG needs to double every couple of days, but that we shouldn't lose hope.

That's right RoS was much more compassionate today than Thursday. I don't know if it was because my husband was there or what, but she actually tried keeping us positive.

"Plenty of women have these kinds of numbers and still go on to have a very healthy pregnancy," she said.

She then told us that she needed to locate the ultrasound paperwork from our first appointment on Tuesday to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. She needed to make sure there was something actually inside of the uterus because of the low progesterone and hCG - because if there wasn't anything forming in the uterus, it most likely would mean an ectopic pregnancy.

She left us for a minute to try to locate the paperwork and Stephen and I were left to chat for a minute. He, of course, was wonderful and optimistic and was making the tears stop. After all, we both knew there was something definitely inside the uterus from Tuesday's ultrasound so we were very confident that the ectopic would be ruled out.

RoS came back and told me that they'd have to give me another ultrasound because they couldn't locate any paperwork and they needed to really be sure there was something in the uterus. But because they were so friggin busy, we had to wait in the waiting area again.

So wait we did. Only this time it was quite obvious I was crying as shreds of paper filled my fists and my eyes were all red. I couldn't hide it and really, why should I have to? Before we were called back in for the ultrasound, I watched two more women looking at their ultrasounds and looking all happy and of course, the tears fell some more from my tired eyes.

When we finally were brought into the ultrasound room and left to undress from the waist down, I cried. Stephen stood there and looked at me and asked if he could hug me. So hugged we did, me with my shirt on and nothing else but socks and him fully dressed. We hugged and I completely and utterly lost it - to the point where it was hard to breathe. He just held onto me and told me it was going to be fine.

I pulled away to wipe my face and hop on the table as I knew the tech would be in in a second and sure enough there she was knocking on the door. I took the position and the wand was inserted. I cried and cried and cried.

Since it was a different tech, she asked about the prior appointment and we told her that the last tech called what she saw a "blob."

"Well," she said. "There's definitely something there."

I cried. I tried doing a part sit-up to see the screen past my huge boobs, but between my huge boobs and the tears, I just couldn't do it so I turned and looked at Stephen's face instead. And he looked... relieved.

"It's measuring about 6 weeks," she said. "But I can't detect any heart movement."

I cried. I was relieved to hear that it was measuring at 6 weeks because the last one said it was measuring at about 5 weeks so that meant growth.

"You should definitely see the heart beat?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied.

She pulled out the wand and told me that the PA would go over everything with me and to go sit back in the waiting area after we were dressed.

She left and Stephen, once again, was very optimistic telling me that there was definitely something there.

I cried and tried to wipe my face and get dressed at the same time.

We went back in the waiting area, which had emptied out dramatically.

"So you got to see the baby?" I asked Stephen.

"Didn't you see it?" he asked.

"No, I couldn't see it past my boobs!"

He chuckled. "There was definitely something there and it looked different than last time... sort of like a backwards question mark."

"Really?" I asked. "That means it's growing and forming into a fetus!"

"There definitely was something more there this time," he said. "Maybe we should think of today as Tuesday."

"Huh?"

"Don't think about this past week and pretend like today was the first appointment," he reasoned. "Every thing's going to be fine, see?"

"You're right."

We didn't wait too long before we were called back in to talk with RoS who confirmed there was still something there. Stephen asked if she would be more forthcoming if it was bad and she said that she was telling us everything she knew - that there was now less than 1% chance that I would have an ectopic pregnancy because something was there, that there wasn't any heart movement which is a bit of a concern, that my hormone levels weren't as high as should be, but that there have been other women who went on to have a healthy pregnancy.

They would take my blood again and keep an eye on me, and, of course, if I experience any pain or bleeding to go the emergency room immediately.

We followed her to the lab but another patient was there so, once again, we waited in the waiting room which was empty but for one man.

The wait was longer this time and finally a woman came out from the office and walked toward the lonely man sitting across the room from us. I noticed she wasn't gleaming like the others we had seen and I also noticed that instead of ultrasound images in her hand, she held a prescription - like the prescription that sat in my purse.

Finally my name was called again and more blood was taken. We then made an appointment for Tuesday evening and walked out. It was 1:30pm.

I was more than ready to collapse in bed at this point but we ran over to the mall. I had to return something and we decided to eat at my favorite burger joint, Red Robin. On our way to Red Robin, we walked through Nordstroms. I asked the lady at the Kiehl's counter if they had anything that could cover rosacea. She told me they had a tinted moisturizer and let me try it and it covered the red. I was happy. She asked if I was taking medicine for the rosacea and I told her that I couldn't right now. Stephen then chimed in, "We're expecting." The woman was happy - and so was I. He went on and on about how the drug that I would normally take for the rosacea cannot be taken during pregnancy because it could harm the baby. The woman asked how I was feeling and I told her that I was doing well, that my only real complaint was the rosacea.

We left and walked toward Red Robin walking hand in hand. I smiled... I'm expecting. Read more!

Early Saturday

This morning's thoughts and ramblings aren't toward the baby, but rather a confession of sorts from me as me and not Mommy.

I started cramping yesterday. At first it wasn't too bad but by the end of the day, I felt like I would be getting my period at any moment. I constantly went to the bathroom to wipe - whether or not I had to pee. Fortunately there was never any evidence of any blood. It had me concerned most of the day because I kept hearing Ray of Sunshine (RoS) from the other day saying "If you experience any cramping or bleeding go to the emergency room right away" over and over again. And anytime I heard her voice I pushed it away with my own mantra: Grow baby, grow!

I have to believe the cramping yesterday (and again today so far) is just that - the baby growing. The uterus has to make room for baby's growth and that's what is happening. It makes perfect sense and I know that's the case...

This morning, the cramping isn't as bad as yesterday... it was actually never really "bad" yesterday, just very period-like - something I haven't experienced since I got my BFP. I've taken a shower already and have been up for about an hour and I'm feel a bit scared. I feel completely opposite of what I've been feeling for over a month now. Every day - regardless of the nastiness portrayed at the doctor's office - I had spent in a positive way. But today is so different. Today I feel like I could snap at any moment... and that frightens me.

Am I subconsciously preparing myself for the worst this morning? Am I just having a bad morning? Am I just being "hormonal"?

I don't have the answers quite yet... but the closer it gets to 11:30, the closer I get to vomiting - and not because I'm experiencing morning sickness. Because 11:30 brings both my wonderful husband and I back into the doctor's office and back to visit Ms. RoS who will reveal the levels of hCG from Thursday. Tuesdays levels were at 2500+, therefore Thursdays levels should be above 5000. I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sure, I'M SURE they are. But I'm quite anxious again.

At least this time I'll have my baby (husband) by my side, which will help me greatly. I'm doing my best to anticipate great news, but I'm also anticipating (unfortunately) myself snapping at RoS.
_______________________________________

Now that I've gotten this out of me, I'm feeling better. I feel like I can do this and that everything will be fine. I know you're counting on me, little one. And I promise not to let you down. I promise. Read more!

1st blood results

Yesterday's appointment was just as exciting as Tuesday's but with a lot less drama, thankfully. Mostly because it was a 'wam bam thank you ma'am' type of appointment.

One thing that I'm sure of, little one, is that once all this blood work comes back proving that you're in there growing and growing, I will look for a different practice/doctor to continue on this journey with. The bedside manner the doctor and the PA have exhibited just isn't acceptable to me. I understand they don't want to give this first time mommy-to-be false hope, but to coldly respond to my question of "Things are OK as of right now though, right?" with a nasty - and I do mean nasty - "Ma'am it's just too soon to tell you anything!" spat is just cruel and, of course, made me start crying because I immediately thought that you weren't growing and they didn't want to tell me that.

It's been 8 weeks since my last period and we had sex one single time since then - June 17 - so how can it be too soon to tell me if this baby is growing or not? I may not know when my exact ovulation date was, but really, how long can his sperm survive? You people are the doctors, you tell me!

Anyway the results as this tired brain recalls from Tuesday's blood test: Progesterone is at 11.3 and should be over 11 so that's good. HCG is 2500+ but she (the PA) couldn't tell me if that was good until the results come back from the blood she took from me yesterday (because they should at least double each time) - which was a lot. Two tubes full instead of one like Tuesday. She also told me my thyroid results came back high so they'll have to keep an eye on that. When I asked what that meant as far as the baby was concerned, she snapped "It has to do with your metabolism."

Well duh! I'm not 10, I do understand thyroid equals metabolism but what does it have to do with my baby?! I wanted to scream but couldn't get it out past the tears.

She asked if there were any other questions and of course I have a gazillion but didn't feel like being belittled anymore so asked nothing. So before she took me to the lab she spat out this gem: "Well if you experience any cramping or bleeding, go to the emergency room immediately." A ray of sunshine, that one. I didn't ask you about that and again, I'm not 10, I thought.

Ray of sunshine then took me over to the lab to get more blood drawn and then I made an appointment for the results of yesterday's blood and another blood test for Saturday. This way, your daddy gets to come with me. If the results from yesterday's blood doesn't double, I will definitely need his support right then and there and *when* I hear that the numbers *do* double, I'll want him there to be giddy and goofy with... because we're going to be parents!!

Anyway, when I got back to work, I checked a website that had "guidelines" of what the HCG should be 8 weeks from my last period and they should be between 7,650 - 229,000. So that kind of had me concerned.. my numbers are those of someone whose last period was 5 weeks ago, not 8.

But, the fact of the matter is that everyone is different and, more importantly, I'm still pregnant and you're still in there and I just know everything will be fine. It has to be. Keep on doing what you need to do in there, little one. This is all worth it. I don't care if I have to go back to the mean doctors every single day - if it means that you stick it out and keep on keeping on, it'll be so, so worth it. Read more!

Uphill

I go for my 2nd blood test this afternoon. And I’m OK with it. I’m actually a little excited, truth be told. I’ve really turned around the negative thoughts because the fact of the matter is that I’m so very blessed to have you inside of me and being able to be a mom is worth going through absolutely whatever I may have to go through.

I have some great friends, little one. A lot of people are pulling for you, too. People who don’t really know me personally or who haven’t known me for long have been so incredibly supportive and loving. It’s truly incredible… something I hope you get to experience an exuberant amount of in your time.

Anyway, everything happens for a reason, little one. Everything. This is something I’ve truly grasped over the past 10 years or so and something I have to remind myself of every day. Just like I was meant to wait this long for you, I was meant to have a not-so-wonderful first appointment with the doctor. But I’m quite confident from here in out, it will be uphill and much better for sure. It has to be. Read more!

The first appointment (not proofed)

I have to take a bit of a break from writing to my dear little one inside whom I've waited so, so long for. When writing my second post in this blog, I decided that the blog would be written to baby in the hopes of turning the blog into a book for the baby to have when she was old enough to read. But today's post probably will not be included or will be edited greatly.

To say that I was not expecting what happened at the appointment is to not give what happened enough credit. Or something.

Your dad (ok, maybe some of this will be written to you) arrived while I was filling out paperwork. The same paperwork I fill out every time I go. I don't understand why I always have to fill out the same paperwork considering my insurance hasn't changed for five years, but what can you do?

He arrived, I filled out the paperwork, we watched Charmed and waited very patiently for our exciting appointment... the appointment when we were to first meet our little nugget of joy.

First up was the ultrasound tech (probably not the correct term). She came out and called my name and we followed her into a nice, serene room with a table and pillow (and stirrups), along with an ultrasound machine and big screen TV up on the wall. At first I didn't see the big TV and I asked if we'd be able to see what was going on and that's when she pointed it out. Yeah, your mom's not always the sharpest pencil in the pack. ;)

The tech tells me to undress from the waste down and hop on the table with the paper cover. I oblige and your daddy cracks some inappropriate joke because that's what he does (oh yes, little one, I'm sure you'll grow to be embarrassed by one or both of us in many numerous ways).

The tech comes back into the room and sticks something inside my vagina that will be able to see the uterus and you.

"This is your uterus," the tech says pointing with something on the computer to a big kidney bean shaped area on the screen.

"You're very early on in your pregnancy," she then said. "This blob," she continued, pointing with something on the computer to a 'blob' about the size of a quarter in comparison to the size of the kidney bean shaped uterus, "is the baby."(this image is not mine, it's taken from an awesome website you can access by clicking HERE)

"So I am pregnant?" I asked excitedly, looking over at your daddy who looked up at the screen like a 5 year old looking on in amazement at a new discovery.

"Yes," she answered, "but you're very early on... maybe 5 weeks."

I didn't think much of it because I assumed she meant 5 gestational weeks which would be 7 weeks based on the start of my last period - according to *every single* book and website I've read.

"Do we get to see the heart beat?" I asked, anxious to see it pulsate and hear her tell me it's beating nice and strong.

"Oh no," she calmly replied. "It's way too early."

The screen then showed a line being drawn from one side of the blob to the other. "Yes you're measuring about 5 weeks and we can't see the heartbeat until about 6 weeks, 6 and a half weeks."

"Oh."

She completed the vaginal ultrasound and told me to get dressed and go sit back in the lobby and wait to be called again. We obliged.

Another episode of Charmed was on and we patiently waited, smiling. We saw our little blob and we couldn't be happier. What an exciting time!

After about 10 or 15 minutes, the door to the waiting room opened and a different nurse called my name. She asked how we were doing and took me to a scale. Yippee! (That's sarcasm, little one; you'll soon learn that your daddy and I are very sarcastic people but we'll do our best to ease off the sarcasm with you until you're old enough to start dishing it back, at least.)

Next we went into the room where the doctor would be seeing us and she asked a bunch of medical questions, chose a hospital to deliver at, filled out some paperwork, gave me some paperwork and the book What to Expect When You're Expecting (good thing I didn't already buy it). She then told me to undress completely and put the paper gown on - like every other appointment with the gynecologist.

And then we waited. And waited. We read all the paperwork she gave us and then some. Your dad looked on the internet with his phone and figured out that you won't be due until March 13th. We went back and forth about how far along I am with you as *everything* I've read puts me at 7 weeks, yet there was no heartbeat.

Finally after probably a 1/2 an hour, the doctor came in.

I've been seeing this doctor for several years and I keep going back because I really like him. He takes his time and really tries to make sure I'm clear on everything we talk about before ending the appointment.

But something about this visit threw my vibe about him off... he wasn't the same as he was in the past. He was acting like it was the first time examining me and while I understand he's got hundreds, if not thousands of patients, it was just odd.

"So there's a pink paper in here which means you're pregnant," he said.

"Yes," I say gleaming with joy.

"Have you been trying long?" he asks.

"Since January."

He then asks me about my last period - when it was, if it was normal, etc - then about when I found out I was pregnant. I told him about taking a test on July 3rd and he asked if the test came back positive or if I had to wait for hours. I told him it took a couple minutes. I then told him I also tested on the 4th and the tests were negative and that we went out and bought a digital, tested on the 5th and got the clear as day PREGNANT result.

"That helps me out a lot," he responds.

And that's pretty much when things changed. That's pretty much when my positive excitement turned into anything but. That's when he told me that they couldn't see a baby yet because it was "too early"; that I was four weeks, maybe early into my fifth week; that there's a sack there; that I am pregnant but that there are a possibility of four things happening (now I'm no doctor and am only paraphrasing what my mind computed):

1. I could have what is known as a missed abortion - called that because a baby never really forms but my body doesn't know it.
2. I could have an ectopic pregnancy - when the egg implants somewhere other than the uterine lining.
3. I could have a miscarriage.
4. I could have a healthy pregnancy.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Yay.

I lost it. As hard as I tried to stay cool and collected, I friggin lost everything I had inside of me and cried like I haven't cried in I don't know how long.

The doctor handed me some tissues. I looked at your daddy who looked on at the doctor like he was trying to absorb everything being said.

I continued to cry, trying not to. The tears just wouldn't stop. This wasn't happening. I wasn't losing this baby. This was not real. He was wrong. He was missing something. I was just too fat for them to read the ultrasound correctly.

"Now I know this is very emotional for you and I want to tell you something reassure you but I have to give you all of the information. I will tell you that there are plenty of patients who have an emotional reaction like this and end up having a fabulous pregnancy."

I nodded my head. I had to pull myself together. Everything was going to be fine. Everything was fine. He was just giving me options. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

"But I also have to tell you that some patients carry full term, but not everybody goes home with a baby - maybe 95%."

Ugh. I started crying again. Hysterically. And then pulled it together again.

He then told me the next steps - they would take my blood three times, every two days. If the HCG (or something) kept doubling, the baby would still be growing. If the progersterone (or something) levels were good, the baby would still be growing. If this all panned out, I could come back in week or two and get another ultrasound to see the heartbeat.

He gave me a pap exam and whatever they do and of course, your dad cracked some inappropriate joke about how what the doctor was doing didn't look comfortable to make me laugh.

Throughout the entire visit, the doctor asked if I had any questions and wanted to make sure we understood everything. I was pretty much in shock so really couldn't come up with any questions other than this gem: "So if something isn't right and the baby isn't growing, I could still have symptoms like with me breasts growing and stuff."

He, of course, nodded in agreement - and didn't look happy about it... like he knew more than he was telling me.

I got dressed and went to the lab for them to draw some blood, then over to the receptionist to make my appointment for Thursday.

We left. I cried some more.

Your dad has been wonderful and supportive and assures me everything is fine, we're just earlier than we thought.

The doctor wouldn't give me a due date.

I cried. And I finally was able to get out why the appointment was so hard on me to your dad... I wasn't expecting it to go down the way it did. I was truly expecting to see you, too see a heart beat. Of course, the doctor would've told me different scenarios, but he was also supposed to tell me that everything looked wonderful.

He told me everything but.

He didn't reassure me at all.

For all I know, he's letting me down easy.

Yes, I'm pregnant. But according to the doctor, there isn't a baby yet.

There isn't a baby? Wha?!?!?

How can I only be 4, maybe 5 weeks pregnant. Why the hell did the HPT come back positive less than two weeks after we conceived?!?!

It took about a half hour or so before we could drive away. I had my car and he had his and I just couldn't drive right away. I needed to get this all out of me before I drove for an hour home. And by the time we started the trek home, my spirits had lifted: I'm pregnant. I'm going to be a mom!

The whole drive home all I thought about was what happened. And then I compared it to mental notes of things I've read on that darn internet. And, by the time I got home, I was down again - thinking negatively.

What if the doctor is trying to tell me the baby stopped growing and that's why he says I'm only 4 weeks along? That's why they took blood - to check the hormone levels and *confirm* baby's still growing. I've read so many instances where people go in and get a read that they're not as far along, that the baby stopped growing. What if that's what was happening here?

I understand that I can't think like that. I understand I must stay positive. I understand I'm blessed to have at least gotten pregnant. Believe me - I fucking understand all of that. Completely and totally understand that. I'm not a 21 year old who got knocked up by her boyfriend whilst being drunk off my ass one night. No, that's not me. This is my time to do this, to become the mom I've needed to become for so long. This has to happen and it has to happen now.

So now I turn my thoughts back around and focus on the positive. I'm 4.5 weeks pregnant (again - haha). I'm going to be a mom. I'm pregnant and I'm going to have a baby and I'm going to be a mom!

I'm pregnant.

I'm going to have a baby.

I'm going to be a mom. Your mom.

I'm pregnant with you, my little angel.


Goodnight my little one.
XOXOX Read more!

The big day

Well today's the day, my little blueberry. Today's the day I've been waiting for for almost three weeks now. I'm trying to remain calm and collected but the truth of the matter is that I'm quite anxious.

I *know* everything is fantastic with you. I know it is. I really do... but... there's that part of me... the part that reads too much stuff on the internet... too much of the not-so-positive stuff... the part of me that is scared to death that something will go wrong.

I'm doing everything I can to push all the negativity out of my mind and focus on the positive because that's my only option. That's *our* only option, little one.

I *know* you're perfect. I *know* you're growing and thriving in there. I *know* we'll see your little heart beating away today and I'm *sure* the doctor will be quite pleased with how fast it's beating.

I'm getting all teary eyed thinking about it. I can't wait! :)

Cousin/Auntie Katrina called me first thing this morning to wish us all well. She's so super excited about this... dare I say more than me? Hehe. I love her excitement. We've both waited so long to become mothers. We both talked about past cycles and how we hope we can break the bad stuff. She's confident I can break the bad stuff; I'm confident I can, too.

There's a reason this is happening now, little one. There's a reason I didn't have you sooner in life. I know that reason and I appreciate that reason. It's been a rough ride at times waiting for you, yearning for you, but now that the time has come, I completely understand it all.

You are so worth the wait. :)

Only 7 more hours till I get to see you!! Read more!

Blueberry

So I believe I'm officially in week 7! That means that you, my little one, are now the size of a Blueberry!

Everything I've read so far says that this will be quite a busy week for you: "Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about 100 new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place." (from thenest.com) I believe Your Pregnancy Week by Week says you'll double in size by week's end! Maybe that's why I'm SO tired today?? :)

I guess I'll get to know for sure if saying you're the size of blueberry is accurate because we go for our ultrasound tomorrow. I believe - from everything I've read online - we should be able to see your little heart beating, too! Oh how I'm looking forward to tomorrow! I just know it's going to be a wonderful appointment. I can't wait to hold onto your daddy's hand as we listen for the heartbeat! I just can't wait for every step of this adventure... an adventure that will one day land you right in my arms.

Until tomorrow my little blueberry.

XOXOXO

Read more!

Yay for Daddy!

Your daddy just surprised me and offered to pay for three new bras!

I asked if I could use our joint account credit card last week and he asked that I hold off a week so I did. Then today we were in the office - he on his computer, me on mine - and I asked if I could use the credit card. My boobs have been very, very sore each and every day and I can't go without a bra - even when I sleep, and he's very well aware of the discomfort I've been in.

That's when he said that I could put them on his Visa!

Yay for Daddy! :) Yay for his supporting the girls in preparation of you!

P.S. Only two more days till we get to see you for the first time! :) I'm super excited. Read more!