Appointment three

We arrived to the appointment at 11:30am, just on time, and after opening the glass doors, we immediately were hit by the warmth of a lot of bodies and the chatter of a lot of different voices, young and old. When we turned the corner to get to the waiting area and receptionist area, we were greeted by a waiting room completely full with couples and kids filling in nearly every chair.

I signed in and we found two seats near each other but not next to one another. We sat and waited and waited.

Across from us sat two groups of people: to the left sat two boys, around 12, and to the right sat a husband and wife and another boy, around 7. The two 12 year olds played with their hand held game while the younger boy studied a magazine as his parents filled out paper after paper.

I sat there and took in deep breaths to hopefully control my blood pressure and because there really wasn't anything else to do...

About 20 minutes into the wait, the two 12 year olds got up and I assumed went to the bathroom and that's when things went downhill for me, embarrassingly enough. Because as the two boys left, another couple and their adorable baby boy - probably around 6 months - came out from the doctor's offices and sat where the two 12 year olds once sat. The baby smiled and his chubby arms and legs thrust about. He seemed to like Stephen a lot and when I caught wind of the the smiles from the baby to my husband, I turned to look at Stephen and I could see him making faces at the baby.

That's when the tears hit my eyes and heart. I pushed them away and focused on my breathing. But the giggles caught my attention so I had to look at the baby again... and that's when I noticed the mom was holding ultrasound printouts and absolutely gleaming. She looked at the small pictures and pointed and smiled. I, in turn, sickeningly enough, had to get up to prevent myself from completely bawling so quickly went to the bathroom.

I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself to stop and relax. It wasn't fair to be distraught over someone else's happiness and joy. So what if she already had a beautiful baby, why couldn't she be blessed to have another?

I calmed down and returned and just didn't look at them anymore, sadly enough.

Soon, my name was called and we followed the nurse to the scale and took my glorious weight. She took it about three times and the final weight she decided to go with was 12 pounds heavier than my weight from Thursdays appointment so I got a good chuckle out of that.

She brought us into a small room and took my blood pressure. "Are you nervous?" she asked. "Yes," I answered. "Is it really high?" The bottom number was a little high but nothing awful. She left us waiting on Ray of Sunshine (RoS) from Thursday's appointment.

RoS came into the room and asked how I was and introduced herself to Stephen. She opened the charts and gave us the results from Thursday's blood test, which, of course, resulted in more tears from my eyes.

The progesterone had lowered from 11.3 to 8 so they would be putting me on a drug to produce more progesterone. Apparently the progesterone helps line the uterus or something so it's definitely necessary that those levels rise again. As for the hCG, it rose from 2500+ to only 3500+. She flat out told us that that was not a good sign, that the hCG needs to double every couple of days, but that we shouldn't lose hope.

That's right RoS was much more compassionate today than Thursday. I don't know if it was because my husband was there or what, but she actually tried keeping us positive.

"Plenty of women have these kinds of numbers and still go on to have a very healthy pregnancy," she said.

She then told us that she needed to locate the ultrasound paperwork from our first appointment on Tuesday to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. She needed to make sure there was something actually inside of the uterus because of the low progesterone and hCG - because if there wasn't anything forming in the uterus, it most likely would mean an ectopic pregnancy.

She left us for a minute to try to locate the paperwork and Stephen and I were left to chat for a minute. He, of course, was wonderful and optimistic and was making the tears stop. After all, we both knew there was something definitely inside the uterus from Tuesday's ultrasound so we were very confident that the ectopic would be ruled out.

RoS came back and told me that they'd have to give me another ultrasound because they couldn't locate any paperwork and they needed to really be sure there was something in the uterus. But because they were so friggin busy, we had to wait in the waiting area again.

So wait we did. Only this time it was quite obvious I was crying as shreds of paper filled my fists and my eyes were all red. I couldn't hide it and really, why should I have to? Before we were called back in for the ultrasound, I watched two more women looking at their ultrasounds and looking all happy and of course, the tears fell some more from my tired eyes.

When we finally were brought into the ultrasound room and left to undress from the waist down, I cried. Stephen stood there and looked at me and asked if he could hug me. So hugged we did, me with my shirt on and nothing else but socks and him fully dressed. We hugged and I completely and utterly lost it - to the point where it was hard to breathe. He just held onto me and told me it was going to be fine.

I pulled away to wipe my face and hop on the table as I knew the tech would be in in a second and sure enough there she was knocking on the door. I took the position and the wand was inserted. I cried and cried and cried.

Since it was a different tech, she asked about the prior appointment and we told her that the last tech called what she saw a "blob."

"Well," she said. "There's definitely something there."

I cried. I tried doing a part sit-up to see the screen past my huge boobs, but between my huge boobs and the tears, I just couldn't do it so I turned and looked at Stephen's face instead. And he looked... relieved.

"It's measuring about 6 weeks," she said. "But I can't detect any heart movement."

I cried. I was relieved to hear that it was measuring at 6 weeks because the last one said it was measuring at about 5 weeks so that meant growth.

"You should definitely see the heart beat?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied.

She pulled out the wand and told me that the PA would go over everything with me and to go sit back in the waiting area after we were dressed.

She left and Stephen, once again, was very optimistic telling me that there was definitely something there.

I cried and tried to wipe my face and get dressed at the same time.

We went back in the waiting area, which had emptied out dramatically.

"So you got to see the baby?" I asked Stephen.

"Didn't you see it?" he asked.

"No, I couldn't see it past my boobs!"

He chuckled. "There was definitely something there and it looked different than last time... sort of like a backwards question mark."

"Really?" I asked. "That means it's growing and forming into a fetus!"

"There definitely was something more there this time," he said. "Maybe we should think of today as Tuesday."

"Huh?"

"Don't think about this past week and pretend like today was the first appointment," he reasoned. "Every thing's going to be fine, see?"

"You're right."

We didn't wait too long before we were called back in to talk with RoS who confirmed there was still something there. Stephen asked if she would be more forthcoming if it was bad and she said that she was telling us everything she knew - that there was now less than 1% chance that I would have an ectopic pregnancy because something was there, that there wasn't any heart movement which is a bit of a concern, that my hormone levels weren't as high as should be, but that there have been other women who went on to have a healthy pregnancy.

They would take my blood again and keep an eye on me, and, of course, if I experience any pain or bleeding to go the emergency room immediately.

We followed her to the lab but another patient was there so, once again, we waited in the waiting room which was empty but for one man.

The wait was longer this time and finally a woman came out from the office and walked toward the lonely man sitting across the room from us. I noticed she wasn't gleaming like the others we had seen and I also noticed that instead of ultrasound images in her hand, she held a prescription - like the prescription that sat in my purse.

Finally my name was called again and more blood was taken. We then made an appointment for Tuesday evening and walked out. It was 1:30pm.

I was more than ready to collapse in bed at this point but we ran over to the mall. I had to return something and we decided to eat at my favorite burger joint, Red Robin. On our way to Red Robin, we walked through Nordstroms. I asked the lady at the Kiehl's counter if they had anything that could cover rosacea. She told me they had a tinted moisturizer and let me try it and it covered the red. I was happy. She asked if I was taking medicine for the rosacea and I told her that I couldn't right now. Stephen then chimed in, "We're expecting." The woman was happy - and so was I. He went on and on about how the drug that I would normally take for the rosacea cannot be taken during pregnancy because it could harm the baby. The woman asked how I was feeling and I told her that I was doing well, that my only real complaint was the rosacea.

We left and walked toward Red Robin walking hand in hand. I smiled... I'm expecting.