July 9, 2008 So I have to tell you: while I'm super excited still, some of the ... thrill??... has worn off and changed into paranoia. I want you so bad. I want to be a Mom more than anything in this world. But a part of me is TERRIFIED.
I'm not afraid of being a bad mom or anything; I'm not afraid of what you'll be like when you're a teenager; I'm afraid of something going wrong between now and March. I'm terrified at times but I'm doing my best to push that anxiety out.
I *believe* this is it, little one. I *believe* you're my gift, my blessing. And those feelings are the ones I try to focus on. But sometimes the ugly stuff - the fear - comes up, too.
I can't bear the thought of "what might happen" other than you being born in 9 months.
That being said, today has been another really good day. I slept like a rock - despite having to get up to pee a couple times. Food is going down just fine ... oh and that's GOOD food, I might add (it's really amazing how *easy* it's been for me to eat good, healthy food since confirming you're in there for me to take care of). Energy is up again - compared to last week.
I was feeling a little off around lunch so I went to lay down and wouldn't you know it? I fell right to sleep and the next thing I knew the alarm on my cell phone (gee, I wonder if cell phones will still exist when you can read this) was going off. I guess I was more tired than I thought.
I still have a cough - dry and hacking - of which your daddy really wants me to get checked out. It's been over a week. I told him it wasn't so bad today, and it's not, but if it's still here tomorrow, I'm off to see the doctor about it. I promise to do whatever I can to make your time inside me most enjoyable. :)
My boobs are more tender today...it's funny because yesterday I *thought* they weren't sore until I took my bra off and then BAM! did they hurt. Hehe. It's OK, little one. Because I know they'll feed you when you're born and I will relish in the pain until then.
We're at 5 weeks now. I can't wait for our appointment in two weeks from yesterday... we should hear the heartbeat and I think I will become calmer after that.
Wow, is this a trip. A great, fantastic trip.