I miss this blog!

I really do miss this blog - the colors, the brightness, the excitment, the joy I experienced when coming here to blog! I miss it all so much. I can't believe it's been two weeks since everything ended.

Gosh, I wish I could come back here for good... but I can't.

Not now.

Instead, I'm at the very dull cleansingmyheart.blogspot.com. Read more!

New Blog

cleansingmyheart.blogspot.com ... no need to click Read More cuz there's nothing more to read here - for now, at least. Read more!

Good night

Apparently, it's time for me to say good-bye to you, my sweet little angel. Apparently our time together wasn't meant to be but for a little while. Still, I want you to know, that I loved you from the moment I found out you were in there...
You were created by your daddy and me because we wanted you. Desperately. But it just wasn't meant to be this time around.

We were both very confident going into tonight's appointment; we just knew that everything was going to be OK. We both had smiles on our faces and talked of nothing but positive things.

But I should've thought differently when I noticed that the ultrasound room was open. Instead I looked at your daddy and told him how awesome it would be if we did indeed get a third ultrasound in less than a week and if this time we saw the heart beat. I looked at him and he had a huge smile on his face.

"Wouldn't it be awesome?" I asked again.

Still smiling he said, "We'll high five one another."

A minute later the receptionist asked me to pee in a cup and a minute after that we were being told that the results from Saturday's blood test didn't look good - there was no increase in hCG. The doctor, himself, wanted to do an ultra sound.

We should've known for sure at that moment what was happening, but daddy and I kept our chins up high and believed everything would be OK.

But it wasn't, my sweet angel. You stopped growing. In fact, somehow, you weren't as big as you were on Saturday and there was absolutely no sign of "life."

I managed to ask if there was no chance whatsoever for something to turn back around and the doctor said that in his experience, with all the pregnancies and losses he's seen, he was 100% certain I was suffering through a missed abortion.

Basically, my sweet angel, you stopped growing for one reason or another, but you didn't want me to know right away. And as sick as this sounds, I'm glad I got to be your mommy for as long as I did. It was my absolute honor.

The next couple of days will be rough for me...for us, but we'll pull through this. It's going to be OK.

Besides, Daddy promises that we'll still get our high five one day, and I intend to hold him to that promise.

I changed my mind... I'm not going to say good-bye, but rather good night.

XOXO Read more!

Morning of appointment 4

Hey little one, you there?

I'm so tired again this morning. I actually found myself closing my eyes for an extra second or two during my drive in - and that's not acceptable! I took a nap yesterday for lunch and went to bed at 10 and was out like a light, so it's not like I'm not getting enough sleep...

Sure I get up every hour or couple of hours to pee, but I fall right back to sleep when I get back in the bed.

Please understand that these are NOT complaints. In fact, last night, I got a little crampy and walked into the office where you daddy sat in front of his computer and exclaimed with 100% glee, "I've got cramps!"

He looked at me like I was a little nuts so I continued, "And there's no blood!"

I was genuinely so happy to have cramps and no blood. And I'm genuinely happy to be so exhausted.

Why?

Because it means you and my uterus are growing growing growing!

XOXOXOXOX Read more!

Smile on my face, hand on my belly

Good morning my little one. :) I know you must be growing away in there because I found myself in bed at 9 last night and not wanting to wake up this morning. I'm SO exhausted! It's got to be because you're growing like crazy! And I'm starving again, today...

Keep on keeping on, little one. I'll just take more naps or longer naps and eat more if that's what you need from me. Do what you need to do and I'll cover the rest - and I'll do it all with a smile on my face and a hand on my belly.

Tomorrow evening, your daddy and I have to go back to the doctor's office but I don't think we'll be able to see you again. I'm pretty sure it's just a follow up regarding the 3rd set of blood tests I took on Saturday.

I'm sure it will be a great appointment.

XOXOXO Read more!

A new start

Well, it was a little over four weeks ago when we started this journey, my little one. And while I was cautious, I was so very optimistic until my first doctor's appointment on Tuesday. But that's all going to change. What happened this past week - all the tears and heartache - is going to end. Your mommy is going back to the excited and positive mommy she was when this journey began!

You've proven the doctors wrong so far and for that I'm incredibly proud. I knew you were in there growing and growing. So what if it wasn't at the "normal" rate that most pregnancy's progress? I've always prided myself in not being normal so of course my pregnancy and my baby would be no different! :) ...

I'm a little sad that I didn't get to see you at yesterday's appointment, but seeing your daddy's face and hearing him describe you was good enough for this time around. And next time, I'll be sure to ask for another pillow or something because there's no way I'm missing seeing your little heart beat pulsating away! No way! And I have no doubts - NONE - that this will be the case!

I have a succinct feeling that pregnancies didn't always go down like this way back in the day. I doubt your grandmother had all the tests I've been having. I would venture to guess that when she became pregnant with me and your aunt and uncle, she was just pregnant and that was that. I mean, sure there was worry, but I really think what happened this past week was a ridiculous amount of added stress and worry that very well could've been avoided.

Don't get me wrong; I'm absolutely grateful to do whatever I have to do to ensure you grow and grow in the healthiest way possible, but really, this past week was so draining and hard and I'm just so proud of you for sticking it out with me and proving them all wrong. And yes, you're even worth the $90 I forked over yesterday for the prescription that should boost the progesterone. And yes, maybe without it things wouldn't progress the way I know they will... but still! It was quite a week.

But that was then and this is now...and tomorrow is the start of a new week with you. And what a beautiful week it will be!

XOXOXO Read more!

Appointment three

We arrived to the appointment at 11:30am, just on time, and after opening the glass doors, we immediately were hit by the warmth of a lot of bodies and the chatter of a lot of different voices, young and old. When we turned the corner to get to the waiting area and receptionist area, we were greeted by a waiting room completely full with couples and kids filling in nearly every chair.

I signed in and we found two seats near each other but not next to one another. We sat and waited and waited.

Across from us sat two groups of people: to the left sat two boys, around 12, and to the right sat a husband and wife and another boy, around 7. The two 12 year olds played with their hand held game while the younger boy studied a magazine as his parents filled out paper after paper.

I sat there and took in deep breaths to hopefully control my blood pressure and because there really wasn't anything else to do...

About 20 minutes into the wait, the two 12 year olds got up and I assumed went to the bathroom and that's when things went downhill for me, embarrassingly enough. Because as the two boys left, another couple and their adorable baby boy - probably around 6 months - came out from the doctor's offices and sat where the two 12 year olds once sat. The baby smiled and his chubby arms and legs thrust about. He seemed to like Stephen a lot and when I caught wind of the the smiles from the baby to my husband, I turned to look at Stephen and I could see him making faces at the baby.

That's when the tears hit my eyes and heart. I pushed them away and focused on my breathing. But the giggles caught my attention so I had to look at the baby again... and that's when I noticed the mom was holding ultrasound printouts and absolutely gleaming. She looked at the small pictures and pointed and smiled. I, in turn, sickeningly enough, had to get up to prevent myself from completely bawling so quickly went to the bathroom.

I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself to stop and relax. It wasn't fair to be distraught over someone else's happiness and joy. So what if she already had a beautiful baby, why couldn't she be blessed to have another?

I calmed down and returned and just didn't look at them anymore, sadly enough.

Soon, my name was called and we followed the nurse to the scale and took my glorious weight. She took it about three times and the final weight she decided to go with was 12 pounds heavier than my weight from Thursdays appointment so I got a good chuckle out of that.

She brought us into a small room and took my blood pressure. "Are you nervous?" she asked. "Yes," I answered. "Is it really high?" The bottom number was a little high but nothing awful. She left us waiting on Ray of Sunshine (RoS) from Thursday's appointment.

RoS came into the room and asked how I was and introduced herself to Stephen. She opened the charts and gave us the results from Thursday's blood test, which, of course, resulted in more tears from my eyes.

The progesterone had lowered from 11.3 to 8 so they would be putting me on a drug to produce more progesterone. Apparently the progesterone helps line the uterus or something so it's definitely necessary that those levels rise again. As for the hCG, it rose from 2500+ to only 3500+. She flat out told us that that was not a good sign, that the hCG needs to double every couple of days, but that we shouldn't lose hope.

That's right RoS was much more compassionate today than Thursday. I don't know if it was because my husband was there or what, but she actually tried keeping us positive.

"Plenty of women have these kinds of numbers and still go on to have a very healthy pregnancy," she said.

She then told us that she needed to locate the ultrasound paperwork from our first appointment on Tuesday to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. She needed to make sure there was something actually inside of the uterus because of the low progesterone and hCG - because if there wasn't anything forming in the uterus, it most likely would mean an ectopic pregnancy.

She left us for a minute to try to locate the paperwork and Stephen and I were left to chat for a minute. He, of course, was wonderful and optimistic and was making the tears stop. After all, we both knew there was something definitely inside the uterus from Tuesday's ultrasound so we were very confident that the ectopic would be ruled out.

RoS came back and told me that they'd have to give me another ultrasound because they couldn't locate any paperwork and they needed to really be sure there was something in the uterus. But because they were so friggin busy, we had to wait in the waiting area again.

So wait we did. Only this time it was quite obvious I was crying as shreds of paper filled my fists and my eyes were all red. I couldn't hide it and really, why should I have to? Before we were called back in for the ultrasound, I watched two more women looking at their ultrasounds and looking all happy and of course, the tears fell some more from my tired eyes.

When we finally were brought into the ultrasound room and left to undress from the waist down, I cried. Stephen stood there and looked at me and asked if he could hug me. So hugged we did, me with my shirt on and nothing else but socks and him fully dressed. We hugged and I completely and utterly lost it - to the point where it was hard to breathe. He just held onto me and told me it was going to be fine.

I pulled away to wipe my face and hop on the table as I knew the tech would be in in a second and sure enough there she was knocking on the door. I took the position and the wand was inserted. I cried and cried and cried.

Since it was a different tech, she asked about the prior appointment and we told her that the last tech called what she saw a "blob."

"Well," she said. "There's definitely something there."

I cried. I tried doing a part sit-up to see the screen past my huge boobs, but between my huge boobs and the tears, I just couldn't do it so I turned and looked at Stephen's face instead. And he looked... relieved.

"It's measuring about 6 weeks," she said. "But I can't detect any heart movement."

I cried. I was relieved to hear that it was measuring at 6 weeks because the last one said it was measuring at about 5 weeks so that meant growth.

"You should definitely see the heart beat?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied.

She pulled out the wand and told me that the PA would go over everything with me and to go sit back in the waiting area after we were dressed.

She left and Stephen, once again, was very optimistic telling me that there was definitely something there.

I cried and tried to wipe my face and get dressed at the same time.

We went back in the waiting area, which had emptied out dramatically.

"So you got to see the baby?" I asked Stephen.

"Didn't you see it?" he asked.

"No, I couldn't see it past my boobs!"

He chuckled. "There was definitely something there and it looked different than last time... sort of like a backwards question mark."

"Really?" I asked. "That means it's growing and forming into a fetus!"

"There definitely was something more there this time," he said. "Maybe we should think of today as Tuesday."

"Huh?"

"Don't think about this past week and pretend like today was the first appointment," he reasoned. "Every thing's going to be fine, see?"

"You're right."

We didn't wait too long before we were called back in to talk with RoS who confirmed there was still something there. Stephen asked if she would be more forthcoming if it was bad and she said that she was telling us everything she knew - that there was now less than 1% chance that I would have an ectopic pregnancy because something was there, that there wasn't any heart movement which is a bit of a concern, that my hormone levels weren't as high as should be, but that there have been other women who went on to have a healthy pregnancy.

They would take my blood again and keep an eye on me, and, of course, if I experience any pain or bleeding to go the emergency room immediately.

We followed her to the lab but another patient was there so, once again, we waited in the waiting room which was empty but for one man.

The wait was longer this time and finally a woman came out from the office and walked toward the lonely man sitting across the room from us. I noticed she wasn't gleaming like the others we had seen and I also noticed that instead of ultrasound images in her hand, she held a prescription - like the prescription that sat in my purse.

Finally my name was called again and more blood was taken. We then made an appointment for Tuesday evening and walked out. It was 1:30pm.

I was more than ready to collapse in bed at this point but we ran over to the mall. I had to return something and we decided to eat at my favorite burger joint, Red Robin. On our way to Red Robin, we walked through Nordstroms. I asked the lady at the Kiehl's counter if they had anything that could cover rosacea. She told me they had a tinted moisturizer and let me try it and it covered the red. I was happy. She asked if I was taking medicine for the rosacea and I told her that I couldn't right now. Stephen then chimed in, "We're expecting." The woman was happy - and so was I. He went on and on about how the drug that I would normally take for the rosacea cannot be taken during pregnancy because it could harm the baby. The woman asked how I was feeling and I told her that I was doing well, that my only real complaint was the rosacea.

We left and walked toward Red Robin walking hand in hand. I smiled... I'm expecting. Read more!

Early Saturday

This morning's thoughts and ramblings aren't toward the baby, but rather a confession of sorts from me as me and not Mommy.

I started cramping yesterday. At first it wasn't too bad but by the end of the day, I felt like I would be getting my period at any moment. I constantly went to the bathroom to wipe - whether or not I had to pee. Fortunately there was never any evidence of any blood. It had me concerned most of the day because I kept hearing Ray of Sunshine (RoS) from the other day saying "If you experience any cramping or bleeding go to the emergency room right away" over and over again. And anytime I heard her voice I pushed it away with my own mantra: Grow baby, grow!

I have to believe the cramping yesterday (and again today so far) is just that - the baby growing. The uterus has to make room for baby's growth and that's what is happening. It makes perfect sense and I know that's the case...

This morning, the cramping isn't as bad as yesterday... it was actually never really "bad" yesterday, just very period-like - something I haven't experienced since I got my BFP. I've taken a shower already and have been up for about an hour and I'm feel a bit scared. I feel completely opposite of what I've been feeling for over a month now. Every day - regardless of the nastiness portrayed at the doctor's office - I had spent in a positive way. But today is so different. Today I feel like I could snap at any moment... and that frightens me.

Am I subconsciously preparing myself for the worst this morning? Am I just having a bad morning? Am I just being "hormonal"?

I don't have the answers quite yet... but the closer it gets to 11:30, the closer I get to vomiting - and not because I'm experiencing morning sickness. Because 11:30 brings both my wonderful husband and I back into the doctor's office and back to visit Ms. RoS who will reveal the levels of hCG from Thursday. Tuesdays levels were at 2500+, therefore Thursdays levels should be above 5000. I'm sure, I'm sure, I'm sure, I'M SURE they are. But I'm quite anxious again.

At least this time I'll have my baby (husband) by my side, which will help me greatly. I'm doing my best to anticipate great news, but I'm also anticipating (unfortunately) myself snapping at RoS.
_______________________________________

Now that I've gotten this out of me, I'm feeling better. I feel like I can do this and that everything will be fine. I know you're counting on me, little one. And I promise not to let you down. I promise. Read more!

1st blood results

Yesterday's appointment was just as exciting as Tuesday's but with a lot less drama, thankfully. Mostly because it was a 'wam bam thank you ma'am' type of appointment.

One thing that I'm sure of, little one, is that once all this blood work comes back proving that you're in there growing and growing, I will look for a different practice/doctor to continue on this journey with. The bedside manner the doctor and the PA have exhibited just isn't acceptable to me. I understand they don't want to give this first time mommy-to-be false hope, but to coldly respond to my question of "Things are OK as of right now though, right?" with a nasty - and I do mean nasty - "Ma'am it's just too soon to tell you anything!" spat is just cruel and, of course, made me start crying because I immediately thought that you weren't growing and they didn't want to tell me that.

It's been 8 weeks since my last period and we had sex one single time since then - June 17 - so how can it be too soon to tell me if this baby is growing or not? I may not know when my exact ovulation date was, but really, how long can his sperm survive? You people are the doctors, you tell me!

Anyway the results as this tired brain recalls from Tuesday's blood test: Progesterone is at 11.3 and should be over 11 so that's good. HCG is 2500+ but she (the PA) couldn't tell me if that was good until the results come back from the blood she took from me yesterday (because they should at least double each time) - which was a lot. Two tubes full instead of one like Tuesday. She also told me my thyroid results came back high so they'll have to keep an eye on that. When I asked what that meant as far as the baby was concerned, she snapped "It has to do with your metabolism."

Well duh! I'm not 10, I do understand thyroid equals metabolism but what does it have to do with my baby?! I wanted to scream but couldn't get it out past the tears.

She asked if there were any other questions and of course I have a gazillion but didn't feel like being belittled anymore so asked nothing. So before she took me to the lab she spat out this gem: "Well if you experience any cramping or bleeding, go to the emergency room immediately." A ray of sunshine, that one. I didn't ask you about that and again, I'm not 10, I thought.

Ray of sunshine then took me over to the lab to get more blood drawn and then I made an appointment for the results of yesterday's blood and another blood test for Saturday. This way, your daddy gets to come with me. If the results from yesterday's blood doesn't double, I will definitely need his support right then and there and *when* I hear that the numbers *do* double, I'll want him there to be giddy and goofy with... because we're going to be parents!!

Anyway, when I got back to work, I checked a website that had "guidelines" of what the HCG should be 8 weeks from my last period and they should be between 7,650 - 229,000. So that kind of had me concerned.. my numbers are those of someone whose last period was 5 weeks ago, not 8.

But, the fact of the matter is that everyone is different and, more importantly, I'm still pregnant and you're still in there and I just know everything will be fine. It has to be. Keep on doing what you need to do in there, little one. This is all worth it. I don't care if I have to go back to the mean doctors every single day - if it means that you stick it out and keep on keeping on, it'll be so, so worth it. Read more!

Uphill

I go for my 2nd blood test this afternoon. And I’m OK with it. I’m actually a little excited, truth be told. I’ve really turned around the negative thoughts because the fact of the matter is that I’m so very blessed to have you inside of me and being able to be a mom is worth going through absolutely whatever I may have to go through.

I have some great friends, little one. A lot of people are pulling for you, too. People who don’t really know me personally or who haven’t known me for long have been so incredibly supportive and loving. It’s truly incredible… something I hope you get to experience an exuberant amount of in your time.

Anyway, everything happens for a reason, little one. Everything. This is something I’ve truly grasped over the past 10 years or so and something I have to remind myself of every day. Just like I was meant to wait this long for you, I was meant to have a not-so-wonderful first appointment with the doctor. But I’m quite confident from here in out, it will be uphill and much better for sure. It has to be. Read more!

The first appointment (not proofed)

I have to take a bit of a break from writing to my dear little one inside whom I've waited so, so long for. When writing my second post in this blog, I decided that the blog would be written to baby in the hopes of turning the blog into a book for the baby to have when she was old enough to read. But today's post probably will not be included or will be edited greatly.

To say that I was not expecting what happened at the appointment is to not give what happened enough credit. Or something.

Your dad (ok, maybe some of this will be written to you) arrived while I was filling out paperwork. The same paperwork I fill out every time I go. I don't understand why I always have to fill out the same paperwork considering my insurance hasn't changed for five years, but what can you do?

He arrived, I filled out the paperwork, we watched Charmed and waited very patiently for our exciting appointment... the appointment when we were to first meet our little nugget of joy.

First up was the ultrasound tech (probably not the correct term). She came out and called my name and we followed her into a nice, serene room with a table and pillow (and stirrups), along with an ultrasound machine and big screen TV up on the wall. At first I didn't see the big TV and I asked if we'd be able to see what was going on and that's when she pointed it out. Yeah, your mom's not always the sharpest pencil in the pack. ;)

The tech tells me to undress from the waste down and hop on the table with the paper cover. I oblige and your daddy cracks some inappropriate joke because that's what he does (oh yes, little one, I'm sure you'll grow to be embarrassed by one or both of us in many numerous ways).

The tech comes back into the room and sticks something inside my vagina that will be able to see the uterus and you.

"This is your uterus," the tech says pointing with something on the computer to a big kidney bean shaped area on the screen.

"You're very early on in your pregnancy," she then said. "This blob," she continued, pointing with something on the computer to a 'blob' about the size of a quarter in comparison to the size of the kidney bean shaped uterus, "is the baby."(this image is not mine, it's taken from an awesome website you can access by clicking HERE)

"So I am pregnant?" I asked excitedly, looking over at your daddy who looked up at the screen like a 5 year old looking on in amazement at a new discovery.

"Yes," she answered, "but you're very early on... maybe 5 weeks."

I didn't think much of it because I assumed she meant 5 gestational weeks which would be 7 weeks based on the start of my last period - according to *every single* book and website I've read.

"Do we get to see the heart beat?" I asked, anxious to see it pulsate and hear her tell me it's beating nice and strong.

"Oh no," she calmly replied. "It's way too early."

The screen then showed a line being drawn from one side of the blob to the other. "Yes you're measuring about 5 weeks and we can't see the heartbeat until about 6 weeks, 6 and a half weeks."

"Oh."

She completed the vaginal ultrasound and told me to get dressed and go sit back in the lobby and wait to be called again. We obliged.

Another episode of Charmed was on and we patiently waited, smiling. We saw our little blob and we couldn't be happier. What an exciting time!

After about 10 or 15 minutes, the door to the waiting room opened and a different nurse called my name. She asked how we were doing and took me to a scale. Yippee! (That's sarcasm, little one; you'll soon learn that your daddy and I are very sarcastic people but we'll do our best to ease off the sarcasm with you until you're old enough to start dishing it back, at least.)

Next we went into the room where the doctor would be seeing us and she asked a bunch of medical questions, chose a hospital to deliver at, filled out some paperwork, gave me some paperwork and the book What to Expect When You're Expecting (good thing I didn't already buy it). She then told me to undress completely and put the paper gown on - like every other appointment with the gynecologist.

And then we waited. And waited. We read all the paperwork she gave us and then some. Your dad looked on the internet with his phone and figured out that you won't be due until March 13th. We went back and forth about how far along I am with you as *everything* I've read puts me at 7 weeks, yet there was no heartbeat.

Finally after probably a 1/2 an hour, the doctor came in.

I've been seeing this doctor for several years and I keep going back because I really like him. He takes his time and really tries to make sure I'm clear on everything we talk about before ending the appointment.

But something about this visit threw my vibe about him off... he wasn't the same as he was in the past. He was acting like it was the first time examining me and while I understand he's got hundreds, if not thousands of patients, it was just odd.

"So there's a pink paper in here which means you're pregnant," he said.

"Yes," I say gleaming with joy.

"Have you been trying long?" he asks.

"Since January."

He then asks me about my last period - when it was, if it was normal, etc - then about when I found out I was pregnant. I told him about taking a test on July 3rd and he asked if the test came back positive or if I had to wait for hours. I told him it took a couple minutes. I then told him I also tested on the 4th and the tests were negative and that we went out and bought a digital, tested on the 5th and got the clear as day PREGNANT result.

"That helps me out a lot," he responds.

And that's pretty much when things changed. That's pretty much when my positive excitement turned into anything but. That's when he told me that they couldn't see a baby yet because it was "too early"; that I was four weeks, maybe early into my fifth week; that there's a sack there; that I am pregnant but that there are a possibility of four things happening (now I'm no doctor and am only paraphrasing what my mind computed):

1. I could have what is known as a missed abortion - called that because a baby never really forms but my body doesn't know it.
2. I could have an ectopic pregnancy - when the egg implants somewhere other than the uterine lining.
3. I could have a miscarriage.
4. I could have a healthy pregnancy.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Yay.

I lost it. As hard as I tried to stay cool and collected, I friggin lost everything I had inside of me and cried like I haven't cried in I don't know how long.

The doctor handed me some tissues. I looked at your daddy who looked on at the doctor like he was trying to absorb everything being said.

I continued to cry, trying not to. The tears just wouldn't stop. This wasn't happening. I wasn't losing this baby. This was not real. He was wrong. He was missing something. I was just too fat for them to read the ultrasound correctly.

"Now I know this is very emotional for you and I want to tell you something reassure you but I have to give you all of the information. I will tell you that there are plenty of patients who have an emotional reaction like this and end up having a fabulous pregnancy."

I nodded my head. I had to pull myself together. Everything was going to be fine. Everything was fine. He was just giving me options. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

"But I also have to tell you that some patients carry full term, but not everybody goes home with a baby - maybe 95%."

Ugh. I started crying again. Hysterically. And then pulled it together again.

He then told me the next steps - they would take my blood three times, every two days. If the HCG (or something) kept doubling, the baby would still be growing. If the progersterone (or something) levels were good, the baby would still be growing. If this all panned out, I could come back in week or two and get another ultrasound to see the heartbeat.

He gave me a pap exam and whatever they do and of course, your dad cracked some inappropriate joke about how what the doctor was doing didn't look comfortable to make me laugh.

Throughout the entire visit, the doctor asked if I had any questions and wanted to make sure we understood everything. I was pretty much in shock so really couldn't come up with any questions other than this gem: "So if something isn't right and the baby isn't growing, I could still have symptoms like with me breasts growing and stuff."

He, of course, nodded in agreement - and didn't look happy about it... like he knew more than he was telling me.

I got dressed and went to the lab for them to draw some blood, then over to the receptionist to make my appointment for Thursday.

We left. I cried some more.

Your dad has been wonderful and supportive and assures me everything is fine, we're just earlier than we thought.

The doctor wouldn't give me a due date.

I cried. And I finally was able to get out why the appointment was so hard on me to your dad... I wasn't expecting it to go down the way it did. I was truly expecting to see you, too see a heart beat. Of course, the doctor would've told me different scenarios, but he was also supposed to tell me that everything looked wonderful.

He told me everything but.

He didn't reassure me at all.

For all I know, he's letting me down easy.

Yes, I'm pregnant. But according to the doctor, there isn't a baby yet.

There isn't a baby? Wha?!?!?

How can I only be 4, maybe 5 weeks pregnant. Why the hell did the HPT come back positive less than two weeks after we conceived?!?!

It took about a half hour or so before we could drive away. I had my car and he had his and I just couldn't drive right away. I needed to get this all out of me before I drove for an hour home. And by the time we started the trek home, my spirits had lifted: I'm pregnant. I'm going to be a mom!

The whole drive home all I thought about was what happened. And then I compared it to mental notes of things I've read on that darn internet. And, by the time I got home, I was down again - thinking negatively.

What if the doctor is trying to tell me the baby stopped growing and that's why he says I'm only 4 weeks along? That's why they took blood - to check the hormone levels and *confirm* baby's still growing. I've read so many instances where people go in and get a read that they're not as far along, that the baby stopped growing. What if that's what was happening here?

I understand that I can't think like that. I understand I must stay positive. I understand I'm blessed to have at least gotten pregnant. Believe me - I fucking understand all of that. Completely and totally understand that. I'm not a 21 year old who got knocked up by her boyfriend whilst being drunk off my ass one night. No, that's not me. This is my time to do this, to become the mom I've needed to become for so long. This has to happen and it has to happen now.

So now I turn my thoughts back around and focus on the positive. I'm 4.5 weeks pregnant (again - haha). I'm going to be a mom. I'm pregnant and I'm going to have a baby and I'm going to be a mom!

I'm pregnant.

I'm going to have a baby.

I'm going to be a mom. Your mom.

I'm pregnant with you, my little angel.


Goodnight my little one.
XOXOX Read more!

The big day

Well today's the day, my little blueberry. Today's the day I've been waiting for for almost three weeks now. I'm trying to remain calm and collected but the truth of the matter is that I'm quite anxious.

I *know* everything is fantastic with you. I know it is. I really do... but... there's that part of me... the part that reads too much stuff on the internet... too much of the not-so-positive stuff... the part of me that is scared to death that something will go wrong.

I'm doing everything I can to push all the negativity out of my mind and focus on the positive because that's my only option. That's *our* only option, little one.

I *know* you're perfect. I *know* you're growing and thriving in there. I *know* we'll see your little heart beating away today and I'm *sure* the doctor will be quite pleased with how fast it's beating.

I'm getting all teary eyed thinking about it. I can't wait! :)

Cousin/Auntie Katrina called me first thing this morning to wish us all well. She's so super excited about this... dare I say more than me? Hehe. I love her excitement. We've both waited so long to become mothers. We both talked about past cycles and how we hope we can break the bad stuff. She's confident I can break the bad stuff; I'm confident I can, too.

There's a reason this is happening now, little one. There's a reason I didn't have you sooner in life. I know that reason and I appreciate that reason. It's been a rough ride at times waiting for you, yearning for you, but now that the time has come, I completely understand it all.

You are so worth the wait. :)

Only 7 more hours till I get to see you!! Read more!

Blueberry

So I believe I'm officially in week 7! That means that you, my little one, are now the size of a Blueberry!

Everything I've read so far says that this will be quite a busy week for you: "Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about 100 new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place." (from thenest.com) I believe Your Pregnancy Week by Week says you'll double in size by week's end! Maybe that's why I'm SO tired today?? :)

I guess I'll get to know for sure if saying you're the size of blueberry is accurate because we go for our ultrasound tomorrow. I believe - from everything I've read online - we should be able to see your little heart beating, too! Oh how I'm looking forward to tomorrow! I just know it's going to be a wonderful appointment. I can't wait to hold onto your daddy's hand as we listen for the heartbeat! I just can't wait for every step of this adventure... an adventure that will one day land you right in my arms.

Until tomorrow my little blueberry.

XOXOXO

Read more!

Yay for Daddy!

Your daddy just surprised me and offered to pay for three new bras!

I asked if I could use our joint account credit card last week and he asked that I hold off a week so I did. Then today we were in the office - he on his computer, me on mine - and I asked if I could use the credit card. My boobs have been very, very sore each and every day and I can't go without a bra - even when I sleep, and he's very well aware of the discomfort I've been in.

That's when he said that I could put them on his Visa!

Yay for Daddy! :) Yay for his supporting the girls in preparation of you!

P.S. Only two more days till we get to see you for the first time! :) I'm super excited. Read more!

First gifts

Before I even got pregnant, your daddy and I agreed that we wouldn't tell anyone we were expecting (once that BFP came along) until we were three months along because of my "advanced maternal age" and just in case.

However, once I finally did get that BFP, it was super hard not to tell anyone because I was alone at the time (your daddy was on his way home from work) and because I simply wasn't believing my eyes... so I called my bff (best friend forever)/cousin Katrina. We're exactly 6 months and 3 days apart in age (she's older) and we grew up to be closer than cousins and more like sisters. She was my maid of honor, she's been there forever for me, the one true cheerleader I've had since I could walk and talk. Needless to say, Katrina was beyond elated when I shared the news.

You should know, little one, that Katrina will be more than just your second cousin; I think it's safe to bet her role would be more of an Auntie. A wonderful, caring, nurturing aunt. And if we were very religious and were to get you baptized, she would - without any hesitation - be your Godmother.

Anyway, earlier this week I got a copy of Belly Laughs in the mail from one of my 'internet friends' (the only other person who knows of the pregnancy besides daddy and Katrina). It was our first gift! And it was a great gift. Then later in the week, I received another package; this one was a FedEx box and it was from Katrina in New York City:

A whole bunch of pregnancy and parenting magazines! Also included was another copy of Belly Laughs (Jenny, you sure did find a gold mind writing that book!) and a beautiful card:

(envelope)

(outside of card)

(inside of card with personal message blurred out)

The card absolutely says it all: "There are some very special moments in our lives that touch our hearts and change us forever. Discovering you're about to become a mother is one of the most special moments there is."

I can't wait, my little one... I cannot wait for you to join us.

Read more!

Can't Wait

July 18, 2008 I have no clue why (hormones? craziness?) but this 'forward' brought a tear to my eye by the end - it's SOOO cute:

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:

'Mommy, are you gonna go potty?

Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy?

Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now?

Mommy, what are you doing?

Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?'

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity. Cade continued:

'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you?

Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy!

Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty?

Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy!

Oh ... Mommy! I'm trying to see In dere.

Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!'

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, 'Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!'

'No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies.

Oh! Mommy!'

He started to gag at this point.

'Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up.

Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!!

Dat is so gross!!'

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

'Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!'

He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown
laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.

'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy?

You wooking under da door?

What were you wooking at?

Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?'

More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.

'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.'

He started pounding on the door. 'Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!'

I saw that my 'wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, 'Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?' But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

Read more!

Week 6

July 15, 2008 I believe I'm officially in week six of this glorious adventure to becoming your Mommy. :)

One website I checked compares your size to that of a lentil bean, another to the size of a sweet pea... my lil sweet pea! :)

They all agree that you're growing at a fast rate this week: "Growing like crazy, baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks and chin. Those little hands and feet- still webbed like paddles- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate. " (taken from thenest.com)

I wonder if this is why I've been so unbelievably hungry lately. :) Hehe. I was just saying last week how wonderfully healthy I've been eating and that I didn't have any problems keeping good food down... not this week! Every day I seem to get more and more hungry! And this morning, I even vomited. :(

But, not to worry; it's all parr for the course and I'm so happy to have to endure any and all of this for you... my little sweet pea.

Read more!

Positively Plus

July 13, 2008 One of my biggest concerns before getting pregnant with you was my weight and how that would affect my pregnancy. At 35, I don't have a lot of time to screw things up because of something I should've had control over years ago; unfortunately, I wasn't able to lose any weight before conceiving you.

I haven't confirmed anything with my OBGYN but when I went to him back in January and told him that I was going off the pill and ready to conceive, he told me about OPK's and wished me luck. I asked him over and over again if my weight would be an issue and he assured me that while added weight can put me (and you) at a higher risk for something going wrong, as long as I was healthy in every other way and as long as he monitored me throughout the pregnancy, it shouldn't be a problem.

If I wasn't at an "advanced maternal age", I probably would've tried waiting a little longer to lose some weight but as it is, we went ahead and tried to conceive you...

During that journey, I had good days and I had bad days with food. I tried so hard to eat the foods I should eat and stay away from the bad foods but more times than I care to admit, the bad food won. Especially after several months of TTC and no positive pregnancy test.

Then about a month before you were conceived, I made up my mind that I have to eat better, period. Not for you, not for your dad, but for me. I just feel better when I eat better. And, ever since finding out I was pregnant with you, I haven't looked back.

My eating has been spot on. I don't even want the crap food anymore. I have no desire for it! I'm sure I will get cravings, but I have no doubt that I will be able to stay on top of what I put in my mouth... because it's not just about me anymore. I want YOU to get the good nutrients you need to grow, grow, grow.

Anyway, I've been checking in with a great website since finding out I was pregnant and came across a great section on plus-sized pregnancies: http://www.babycenter.com/0_having-a-positive-plus-size-pregnancy_1504849.bc

It's really helped me believe that I can do this, that everything will be OK as long as I take care of both of us in a good way. And I will be more than happy to do that.

Read more!

Time

July 12, 2008: Everywhere I look, I see that I'm X weeks along rather than Y weeks along. It's a bit confusing.

One website says I'm six weeks, most say I'm in my 5th week... but here's the date we conceived you (without a doubt): June 17.

Oh and according to the , you my lil one, are a girl. :)

Time will certainly tell - both how far along I am and what sex you'll be.

Read more!

Today

July 11, 2008 Today I am hungry.

I woke at 6AM as normal and did my normal pee, shower, get dressed routine. I made my lunch like normal and grabbed a 90 calorie Special K bar and a coffee cup full of V8 Fusion (1 serving of veg and fruit!) and headed out the door like normal.

I got to work and about an hour later (about 9AM) was feeling hungry so made some oatmeal, but ended up throwing most of it away.

Then at 10AM, I had to go to the doctor (regular) because your daddy is hounding me about getting this bad cough I've had for almost two weeks checked out... but on the way to the doctor, I was incredibly hungry. I mean INCREDIBLY hungry. I almost couldn't concentrate on driving because the hunger was the only thing I could think about. Fortunately, I've been carrying around saltines in my bag - just in case - so I found those and inhaled about 10 of them before the hunger finally subsided, thankfully.

Anyway, because I'm pregnant (with you, my little one), the doctor didn't prescribe anything and told me to flush it out with water and hot tea and said it was just something viral that would come out in time - probably another 2 or 3 weeks. Better to be safe than sorry is my motto lately!

When I got back to work, it was about 11:30AM and I was hungry again. I drank some water, called your daddy to tell him what the doctor said, and started noshing on my lunch: ham and cheese on wheat, pretzels. I inhaled it. I was satisfied.

By 2PM, I was feeling hungry again. But I focused on work, drank some more water, and tried to push away the hunger. By 2:30PM, I gave in and bought a can of Orange Juice from the vending machine. By god, it was the best, most tasty, most satisfying OJ I think I've ever had.

And now it's 4PM and I'm STARVING.

Today, my sweet little one... today is about being hungry.

Read more!

:: stick little one, stick ::

July 9, 2008 So I have to tell you: while I'm super excited still, some of the ... thrill??... has worn off and changed into paranoia. I want you so bad. I want to be a Mom more than anything in this world. But a part of me is TERRIFIED.

I'm not afraid of being a bad mom or anything; I'm not afraid of what you'll be like when you're a teenager; I'm afraid of something going wrong between now and March. I'm terrified at times but I'm doing my best to push that anxiety out.

I *believe* this is it, little one. I *believe* you're my gift, my blessing. And those feelings are the ones I try to focus on. But sometimes the ugly stuff - the fear - comes up, too.

I can't bear the thought of "what might happen" other than you being born in 9 months.

That being said, today has been another really good day. I slept like a rock - despite having to get up to pee a couple times. Food is going down just fine ... oh and that's GOOD food, I might add (it's really amazing how *easy* it's been for me to eat good, healthy food since confirming you're in there for me to take care of). Energy is up again - compared to last week.

I was feeling a little off around lunch so I went to lay down and wouldn't you know it? I fell right to sleep and the next thing I knew the alarm on my cell phone (gee, I wonder if cell phones will still exist when you can read this) was going off. I guess I was more tired than I thought.

I still have a cough - dry and hacking - of which your daddy really wants me to get checked out. It's been over a week. I told him it wasn't so bad today, and it's not, but if it's still here tomorrow, I'm off to see the doctor about it. I promise to do whatever I can to make your time inside me most enjoyable. :)

My boobs are more tender today...it's funny because yesterday I *thought* they weren't sore until I took my bra off and then BAM! did they hurt. Hehe. It's OK, little one. Because I know they'll feed you when you're born and I will relish in the pain until then.

We're at 5 weeks now. I can't wait for our appointment in two weeks from yesterday... we should hear the heartbeat and I think I will become calmer after that.

Wow, is this a trip. A great, fantastic trip.

Read more!

Cha-ching

July 8, 2008: I made two online purchases today - books for your daddy and me from Amazon and a Bella Band from eBay. I didn't go overboard as I purchased both with free shipping and kept it under a total of $100. I guess this is just the start, huh my little sesame seed? This is the start of no more money for me and all for baby. That's cool with me. You're worth it. Read more!

5w1d

July 8, 2008

Read more!

Day 4

July 7, 2008: So today is day four since getting that BFP (big fat positive) and can I say that I'm loving it? I'm dead tired most of the day, but it's so worth it to me. Bring on the exhaustion, the sore boobs, the morning sickness!! If it means a healthy 9 months, I'm all for it!

Work was a little busy today so I didn't have much time to post anything. I felt fine all day, except for being exhausted. I had to take a nap during lunch as a result. It's all good though.

My boobs have been OK and there hasn't been any cramping except for now... but I'm just taking it as a sign that things are happening in there. After all, I'm not in excruciating pain or bleeding or anything. Speaking of bleeding, I really need to stay away from the miscarriage posts on the internet... sometimes, the internet can have too much information.

So I need to talk about your daddy for a second because he's been so awesome. He keeps talking to you like he's yelling, but he's not really yelling in a mad way - just in a way that maybe you can hear him. It's quite endearing and I hope he talks to you as time progresses. :)

Well, according to all that I've read, tomorrow marks the start of week 5! My lil poppy seed will turn into the size of a sesame seed!

It's all so wonderfully amazing.

(Picture copied from a wonderful website - www.babycenter.com)

Read more!

Dear Poppy

July 6, 2008: I'm calling you Poppy right now because I've read that you're currently the size of a poppyseed.

I slept pretty darn good last night. My boobs didn't hurt nearly as much as they did the past couple days/nights so I'm guessing that's why I was able to sleep better. This morning, before I got out of bed, I stuck the basal thermometer in my mouth - just to make sure my temp was still high. It was and that made me SO happy. :)

I've been up and awake now for several hours and this is the best I've felt in a couple weeks - not as lethargic as I have been and, like I mentioned earlier, the boobage is easing up on me today. In a way, it makes me a little nervous, but I know you're in there and I know you're going to grow more and more every day and that makes me so incredibly happy.

I feel so blessed that I can't even put it into words right now... just know that I plan on doing whatever I can to ensure that you get everything you need whilst you're inside (and of course, when you're born). I've been taking a great PNV now for about 9 months and I'm doing my best to eat more veggies and fruit.

I'm calling the doc tomorrow to tell him the great news and to see when he wants to see me... I think it'll be a couple weeks because I'm already taking PNV's that he prescribed, but because of my age (yes you're going to have an 'older' mommy and I hope that's ok - I may be 'older' at almost 36, but I'm still a kid at heart; I promise!) and weight (sadly, I'm considered obese), he may want to see me sooner.

Wow. I still can't believe this is all happening.

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Oh my aching boobs!

July 5, 2008: I've never been so happy to have sore boobs in my life! Normally I hate the time just before my period comes because my boobs become so sore and sensitive... not the nipple so much as the whole blob of meat that my boobs are (I'm rather well-endowed).

But the past couple of days, I've been loving the aches and pains. I mean, yeah they hurt, yeah I feel like I can't move too fast or anything in fear of the girls moving too much, but it's sooo worth it. And I'm loving it. I'm really and truly loving being pregnant.

Granted it's only like day two or something! ;) :D

Read more!

P is for... (where it all begins)

July 5, 2008: I can't even say how long I've been waiting for this day to come...

Thursday night I got home and decided to take a HPT (home pregnancy test) / POAS (pee on a stick) because I've been feeling it; I've been feeling pregnant and I've been believing it. After a minute or two I looked at the test and saw one fat line... and... then... wait... is that ...another line??

from 7/3

Because the second line was so faint, I decided to test again the following day - yesterday, July 4. I took three tests and all three tests came back with only one line - no matter how hard I squinted to see a second. But I still *felt* pregnant; my boobs (especially) hurt too much at odd times and felt like they were actually growing (which scares the crap out of me because they're rather large to begin with).

I showed DH (darling husband) the new pee sticks and asked if he could see a line. Nope. "I even peed on one too and there's only one line."

Yes, that's what my dear husband said! And I laughed for about a minute straight. I had tears in my eyes the thought of him peeing on a HPT made me laugh so much.

"What cup did you pee in?" I asked, as the Dollar Tree tests I stocked up on require one to PIAC (pee in a cup) and then drop the pee onto the stick.

"I'm a man," he replied. "I don't need a cup."

He dug the test out from the garbage and, of course, one solid line.

"But now you can see that the one from yesterday *did* have a line!"

We both agreed it did and I still *felt* pregnant... so out we went for the day. Because there was no food in the house, we made a list of groceries to get, headed out for a quick meal at the nearby diner and then picked up some groceries. On the way home, I needed to pick up my prescriptions along with a box of digital HPTs.

No guesswork on the digital - it's either Pregnant or Not Pregnant.

I didn't want to test again yesterday and planned to used the digital in the morning... this morning, July 5. Before going to bed last night, I started getting really crampy and was afraid that maybe it all was just in my head and maybe my period would be coming after all... but my boobs were telling me something else.

I went to sleep around 11PM and at 4AM I awoke having to pee. The first thing I did was touch my boobs - they still hurt!! Yes!! Then I grabbed the basal thermometer and shoved it into my mouth. 98.something! Still high!! I knew I was pregnant. I knew it!

I lumbered off to the bathroom, grabbed the pee cup and peed into it and placed the cup in the sink and covered it with the box of Clearblue Digital tests I bought. I decided to hold off on testing till the next time I awoke.

I went back to bed and tossed and turned quite a bit but eventually fell off to sleep... I ended up dreaming that when I woke up to test, I found that DH had dumped out all the pee from the cup and I was freaking out that I wouldn't get the first morning's pee to test to see if I was pregnant. Alas, it was just a dream.

At 6:30AM, I couldn't take it anymore and went into the bathroom, opened the HPT package, took off the blue cap from the dipping end, dipped the test into the pee, counted to 20, recapped the test, placed it on the edge of the garbage can, tossed the remaining pee, rinsed out the cup, washed my hands, sat on the toilet, looked at the clock and saw that 2 minutes had passed, and looked for the results even though 3 minutes hadn't elapsed.

from 7/5/08

Isn't it the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?

:)

I was in disbelief. I looked at myself in the mirror and grinned and then cried. I'm pregnant! I'm going to be a mom! :)

I took the test with me into the bedroom where DH still snored. I so badly wanted to wake him up, but I didn't. Instead I laid down next to him, looking at the HPT on the nightstand and smiled, dreaming of our future with a little mini-us to occupy our every waking and sleeping hour.

At about 7:30AM, he farted and looked at me. "I heard that," I said. He grumbled something so I knew he was awake and I said, "I have something to show you." I gave him the test and he had his back turned to me and said, "I can't see it." But then he saw it and said, turning to face me, "Give me a smooch."

We're going to be parents... We're going to have a baby!

Since I got this out of me, now maybe I can get some more sleep since I haven't been sleeping well the past couple days... and lord knows I'll need all the sleep I can get now! :)

Read more!